These are the bad, naughty movies that should feel bad because they know what they have done. They’re not terrible but I cannot imagine recommending them to anyone under any circumstances.

#136: Lift (2024)

The latest lazy Netflix template where a bunch of highly-specialized weirdos, each with their own thing that they are the best at in the entire world and their own precise quirk/twitch. In theory films like this could still be interesting but only of they put in a certain minimum of effort. Slickly made though, so I guess that’s something.

#135: Infinite (2021)

See above. Very difficult to distinguish between these movie-shaped substances. Marky Mark is more fun than Kevin Hart, but the plot of this is basically a shitty version of The Incrementalists, a series of books I really enjoyed and that investigates the questions raised here really well instead of just posing them, smirking at the camera, and moving on into a frenetic fight scene.

#134: The Union (2024)

See above, again. Are we sensing a theme this week? Maybe “Crappy Formulaic Netflix Films You’re Only Supposed to Half-Watch” should be its own category?

Markie and Halle both at least half-try so this is the best of the threesome I suppose. Just thinking about these movies is just making me tired though. Ugh.

#133: The Dark Tower (2017)

As much as I dislike the trend of having films broken down into multiple parts, taking 4,250+ written pages and turning it into a 95 minute film is quite the head-scratcher. Nothing really makes sense and to the limited extent that it does it’s just stupid. How do you make Iris Elba uninteresting? How dare you.

#132: Pulse (2006)

I really, really need to stop watching American remakes of Japanese and Korean horror classics. I was lured in by Kristen Bell and Wes Craven but this was still a pretty pointless and silly remake that entirely misses the point of the original.

#131: Red One (2024)

Yes, that means that everything before this was worse than the Santa Clause as an International Spy or Whatever movie with jacked JK Simmons. And Dwayne Johnson as an elf. Get it? Get It?? GET IT???? HAHAHAHAHA ARE YOU LAUGHING YET????????

At least this was original in a sense? I guess?

Up Next: Dance, Into the Fire, To Fatal Sounds of Broken Dreams (Part II)

#141: Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (2024)

A dreary waste of time and potential. Replaying the same incidental stuff that was in the first one (the shrunken head guys, the table model, the same afterlife stuff) entirely misses the point that it was the spirit of inventiveness that we all loved. This is boring and depressing. At least Keaton seemed to be having an ok time.

#140: Brain Dead (1990)

Could’ve been a decent movie but was right in the dead zone of taking itself too seriously to be truly funny and being too stupid to be actually interesting.

#139: Tau (2018)

Maika Monroe’s worst performance in a movie that lacks originality yet is very impressed with itself – is the automated house more human than the psycho guy who programmed it? I WONDER!!!

#138: Hollywood Homicide (2003)

Just a failure as a movie. They are clearly trying for a Beverly Hills Cop / Lethal Weapon kind of mismatched buddy-cop thing, but neither the characters nor the mystery are interesting, Hartnett is not a good actor, and the tone is all over the place. So much is unbelievable (in a stupid way) throughout the movie it’s just irritating.

#137: Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023)

Just what we all wanted, the origin story for Blank Manta.

Lost almost all of the original’s sense of fun in a flurry of nonsensical unmotivated garbage. Boooo.

Up Next: Dance Into the Fire, To Fatal Sounds of Broken Dreams

#147: Argyle (2024)

Hooo boy. On merit this disaster really belongs lower, but my lovely wife took me to see this on a really bad day and that kindness makes it impossible for me to rate it any lower.

But man oh man is this bad. Even Sam Rockwell can’t save this bizarre monstrosity overly jammed with a bunch of stuff that maybe sounded cool in the pitch meeting but really should’ve been shut down during filming. Samuel L. Jackson also made me really sad with his clearly disinterested performance.

#146: Watchmen: Chapter One (2024)

So, what is the point exactly?

This is so faithful to the source material that it feels entirely pointless. The graphics are just like the comics, which is impressive I guess, but I could imagine the images moving in my head already you know?

I get it, it’s a classic book, and the live-action movie had a LOT of issues, but there is just no need for this at all.

#145: Salem’s Lot (2024)

See above.

Seriously, this adds absolutely nothing to anything. I guess it’s perfectly fine but this incredible spooky story did not need the 2024 graphic gore update and they didn’t change anything else at all. Just barely not worth changing the channel.

#144: V/H/S 85 (2023)

I enjoyed the first couple of V/H/S movies – Phase I Clinical Trials and Safe Haven from V/H/S 2 were particular standouts. But this shows that they have really kind of run out of gas. Even the interesting ideas (eg a group of teenagers kind of accidentally become immortal zombies) go nowhere or, even worse, get dead-ended into a stupid meaningless resolution.

#143: Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire (2023)

Theoretically original? Does Fan Fic count as original?

Even the production quality was fan fic level. I wonder how long the movie would be if the slow mo scenes were all played at regular speed.

#142: Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

Yeah, just not for me. Waaaaayyyy too gross, especially the sex stuff and the maggots….or okay maybe all of it really. No thank you.

Up Next: ATWWHTARNJTTYOAWB (Part III)

Right right right so it’s January 20, we’re off to a great quick start.

I was obviously living life right once again, as I was rewarded for all of my life choices by not having watched anything truly god-awfully atrocious. I mean, sure, this group of movies was terrible but they weren’t things that were developed for the purpose of directly assaulting my will to live like The Nightingale or Rise of Skywalker. So yay for me!

#154: Idiocracy (2006)

Yeah yeah yeah I get it there is definitely something to the idea of the race to the bottom and there are a couple of decent jokes. And Terry Crews is great. But ultimately this is (presumably deliberately) just stuuuuuuuupid humor and a frankly criminal waste of Maya Rudolph.

#153: Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow (1993)

Angelica Jolie’s first “movie,” this direct-to-video (remember when that was a thing?) masterpiece barely counts as a film. Bad fight choreography, terrible-to-nonexistent F/X, and let us not speak of the script. Too bad it sank her promising career before it even started.

#152: Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver

No, wait, can we slow it down and really focus on the grain please? Luxuriate in it. Rub it all over ourselves. Mmmm yeah just like that.

I don’t feel that I need to add anything further to the discourse here honestly. That would be letting the movie win.

Okay, no, I have to say – why did they call her The Scargiver *before* she gave anyone a scar? They have the big dramatic thing where she gives that dude a scar but he is calling her that before? What? WHAT???

#151: Night Swim (2024)

THE POOL THAT KILLS

Frankly, they didn’t go nearly hard enough with this. The pool was restoring sick dad but had to claim lives to do it, yadda yadda yadda. Cursed wellspring, etc etc. Legacy of eeeevvvvvil. But no vicious beasties and even the glimpses of cruel spirits are saved until the very end.

If you aren’t sure if this is the sort of movie where the rejuvenated dad sacrifices himself to save his innocent children then you are an idiot and there is no hope for you.

#150: Mayhem (2017)

A frankly boring take on the far superior The Belko Experiment. Starring Stephen Yuen and Samara Weaving! I love them! But they are incredibly dull in this and there is nothing inventive or original. Bleh.

#149: Peeping Tom (1960)

Allegedly a classic and I guess they understood a lot less about this stuff 65 years ago but boy this is terribly misguided on the psychology, the murders are ludicrous (he got them to just stand still while carrying that huge thing and stabbing them with it?), and the old-movie slow pacing really doesn’t work for me at all in this.

#148: Employee of the Month (2006)

Horrendous gender politics (especially for a freaking 2006 movie), a meh script and….well look it would be mean to criticize Jessica Simpson’s acting, as she was hired to look real pretty and be kinda famous she does that just fine.

This does have probably my favorite Dax Shepard performance, as he plays a credible jackwagon. So he has that going for him.

Up Next: ATWWHTARNJTTYOAWB (Part II)

If it feels like we just finished this, that’s because we just finished this.

But nobody ever said that the movie ranking business was easy and this is the life I chose so here we are.

My records indicate that I only saw a paltry 154 movies for the first time, so maybe we’ll be done for the year sometime this Summer? Only time will tell!

In what is indubitably a good omen, I’m not quite feeling up to starting the rankings today so I’ll just do my traditional* ranking of my favorite tv shows from 2024.

* If you do something twice it’s a tradition right? Right? Good, I’m glad we’re agreed on that.

10. Batman: Caped Crusader

I missed The Animated Series back in the day so this was particularly novel for me, although I believe true bat-heads* liked it too. Fun take.

* That is the technical term.

9. From s1

Enjoyable horror mystery-box. Like most of its kind it starts to get lost in its own mythos in the second season but the first one had a good combination of telling us just enough while keeping everything suspect.

8. The Traitors s1

Alan Cumming is a delight, the gameplay is different enough, and the players are interesting. Further comment withheld in case one of you actually hasn’t seen it and might be interested.

7. Fallout

Big genre fun and Ella Purnell (Yellowjackets represent what what!) is terrific.

6. The Night Agent

Just good old fashioned spy thriller. And the entire world isn’t at risk even, which was pleasantly novel.

5. Slow Horses s4

They keep making seasons of Slow Horses, I will keep watching them and they will make this list every time.

4. The Diplomat s1

Probably benefitting from residual love for The Americans and Keri Russell but the first season had intrigue and good characters and fabulously low stakes.

3. Jury Duty

Incredible that this worked out and it ended up working out better than they could have possibly expected. Almost certainly ruined the whole thing for any possible second season but wow was this awesome as is. Ronald is who we should all be*, and major props to James Marsden too.

* Please never tell me his politics. I do not want to know.

2. Shogun

Yeah I don’t have anything to say that you haven’t already heard.

1. Ripley

I love the movie version but this shocked me at how good it was. Somehow the black and white even made it better instead of being overly pretentious like I expected. I really need to read the book I guess.

Up Next: IT BEGINS

Well, all things must eventually come to an end I suppose. I will really and truly try to be less ridiculous next year about dragging this out forever. I feel terrible knowing that so many people have suffered sleepless nights and mental anguish waiting anxiously for this to be posted.

#1: Cure (1997)

A horror/mystery psychological thriller with a gripping premise that is never quite explained and an ambiguous ending? Well sign me up for that catnip.

Is Mayima a serial killer, a demented intellectual, a demon, an angel, or just some guy? Does he (it) want chaos or utopia, and in each case for whom? Is he even really there or is he the hidden id underneath all of our civilized manners? Is he trapping you or actually offering you freedom?

The mood is truly vital here more even than the plot, and ladies and gentlemen…it is grim. Not hopeless, not even tense necessarily, but just creeping dread. There is a sense that there is a monster just off to the side of the screen and if the characters would just look that direction then maybe they would finally see it, and while that would be terrible at least there would be a resolution.

It’s looking for that resolution that seems to really do a number on our good (?) detective Takabe. He knows that there is a connection between all these seemingly random(ish) murders, but nothing that he can grasp makes any sense. Is even looking for the solution drawing him into his doom? Or, at the end, is he (ahem) finally cured of his ills (and if that’s the case, did he actually do what he seems to have done to effectuate that cure)?

This movie rewards a careful viewing – subtitled movies are really good for this, actually, as you can’t effectively multitask while watching them. Not necessarily because you’ll miss something important (although woo boy there are a couple of those small earth-shattering moments) but because you need to be in its mental space for it to really work.

OMG what it’s really happening? For real for real?

Naw, hahaha, I’m just going to do #2. I’m sure I’ll get to #1 by, like, 2026. But better to do *something* than just continue to languish right? Right? Hello? Is this thing on?

#2: Chunking Express (1994)

The worst possible way to describe Chunking Express is to go through the plot, so I am going to avoid falling into that trap.

This movie is all about viiiiibes, maaannnn. But in the best way possible. Give this script to more or less any other director than Kar-Wai Wong (the genius behind In the Mood for Love another other films) and it would be somewhere between tedious and cringy, but Wong is able to create character that feel real even when they are doing….well, let’s say *unusual* things.

Somehow I didn’t even mind that the film is broken into two halves that are not really connected (okay I would argue that they are connected thematically but I don’t want to get into it because it’s just going to make you roll your eyes and that just won’t do).

Ultimately this is just a delight. Watch it when you are in the mood to just experience something good and right and with your analytical brain turned off.

Up Next: Well, that would be telling wouldn’t it?

Will I ever finish? Odds are good at this point, but you never want to get overconfident.

#4: The Menu (2022)

For the longest time I thought that my best and worst movies of the year would be the first two I saw. That was definitely right about the atrocious The Snowman, but in the end this couldn’t quite make the top. Although it was my favorite English-language / new-ish movie I saw. Does that count for something? Maybe I’ll send Raph Fiennes a prize.

This totally bonkers premise is pulled off with exactly the right amount of style and elan to make it feel elevated but real(ish). Fines and Taylor Joy are great but the real fun is Nicholas Hoult as smarmy choad wanna-be hanger-on Tyler. So contemptible you glory in his impending downfall but no so irritating that you need him to go away as soon as possible.

The plot doesn’t necessarily hang together totally but it’s all so fun that you really don’t care.

#3: Memories of Murder (2003)

Many different things at the same time, all of them great. It’s a buddy cop movie and a procedural and psychological thriller and a whodunnit.

Most of all, this movie just gets the feel right at all times while giving every character space to have an identity and feel like real people, while maintaining a menacing tone. It’s amazing that the movie can contain moments of semi-slapstick silliness next to (or even within) scenes dealing with life and death without breaking the mood.

Based on the true first-ever acknowledged serial killer in Korea in the 1980’s, it’s fascinating to watch this as the police try to come to grips with the situation for the first time, as opposed to so many US films dealing with the premise where they all know the basic rules (let alone shows like Criminal Minds).

And the ending is chef’s kiss perfection.

Up Next: I dunno, maybe some middling stuff I kinda liked a little

#7: Polite Society (2023)

A Sundance favorite, this movie screams joy from the outset and never stops. Priya Kansara is incredible in the key role – brave without being too nervy, quirky without being a true weirdo, enough uniqueness to be interesting while still having the universality needed from a main character.

It helps that I haven’t seen many movies like this – from what I gather this is not necessarily unusual by Bollywood standards but putting it together into a delightful package makes me want to find more.

As great as Kansara (and the always-wonderful Rita Aryu) is, and as fun as the movie is to watch, the plot is a bit obvious and ultimately a touch silly to put this in the pantheon. But just a ton of fun and highly recommended for a movie night.

#6: Lady Vengeance (2005)

With apologies to some excellent movies above, this is the line where we move from “a good watch” to “wow, that was great.”

If the message of Park Chan-wook’s Oldboy is that rushing headlong into revenge is not going to bring you the satisfaction or closure that you’re looking for, Lady Vengeance argues that carefully planning everything out meticulously won’t turn out any better.

Lee Yeong-ae plays our hero (?) as something of a cypher, which fits as she has subsumed herself entirely and built everything that she is toward obtaining her justice against the villain that has wronged her – and, it turns out, an awful lot of other people as well. But it’s only once her quest is over that she finally is able to show emotion – and yeah, it’s not exactly triumph.

#5: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023)

Pretty amazing that this can rank this high with a total lack of resolution that literally stunned me in the theater when I realized it was really going to be a “Part 1.”

I just adore these movies – using different animation styles to denote the various universes is just such a great idea and they elevated it here in unexpected ways.

It’s also possible that I enjoyed some of the in-jokes and easter eggs.

Up Next: The Penultimates!

We finally made it! I may cry…

#10: See How They Run (2022)

I love Sam Rockwell, I love Saoirse Ronan, but I never imagined them being in the same movie. There is nothing earth-shattering here, just an incredibly witty screenplay (a Mousetrap, within a Mousetrap, within a Mousetrap) that doesn’t take itself too seriously but follows its internal logic and plays fair by its rules.

And the performances are just the best. Rockwell does his usual thing, but Ronan is shocking playing a kind of role I have not seen from her before (although I should just assume she can do anything). Just loads of fun.

#9: A Man Escaped (1956)

The platonic ideal of a prison break movie. So full on tension, keeps you on edge the whole time. Our hero has no idea whether he would be transferred out of the cell where he finally devised a possible escape or when he would be scheduled for execution. At one point he is given a new cellmate – can he trust this person? Should he let him accompany him on the escape or let him rot in a cell – what obligation, if any, does he have to his fellow prisoners?

WILL THAT GODDAMN GUARD ON THE BICYCLE EVER GO AWAY???

Oh, and apparently it’s based on a true story too (like, seriously, not in the modern way that someone said something once and then it becomes something crazy that includes that sentence and now it’s “based on” that.)

#8: Tar (2022)

Blanchett is amazing, but you really didn’t need me to tell you that.

Ok, so, if you haven’t seen the movie yet skip the rest of this.

It is unclear to me – and I think this is a deliberate and very effective choice by Todd Field – how much of this film is to be taken literally and how much is taking place, at least to some extent, within Lydia Tar’s mind.

What I believe is that while there is some level of internalized fiction through most of the movie, things really go off the rails for her right before the dog attack scene. That’s where reality goes a bit nuts and Lydia’s life really starts to fall apart. Weird noises keep popping up. Her ability to talk reasonably to her wife disappears. Ghosts start popping up in the background of scenes.

Maybe her former student/lover’s suicide finally makes her look at her own behavior and this is how she is dealing with her feelings of guilt and responsibility?

What I definitely know is that I am still thinking about this movie well over a year from when I saw it.

Up Next: Gee, I Dunno, I Wonder