#79: Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)

I think this has stretched this series to the point where it’s still fun but it won’t be by the time the next one rolls around. The one thing that is took semi-seriously is the multiverse shenanigans, which we were all sick of about 5 years ago now. Plenty of laughs, some quality casting gags, and I have to admit that it was nice to see wolvie on screen in the yellow costume. But no more please.

#78: Abigail (2024)

Fun, but it’s really just a one-note concept. If, somehow, you could see it without having any idea what it was really about, it would probably go up a full letter grade. I should like a movie featuring Dan Stevens and Kathryn Newman more than this, but they really only invested in one character. Alisha Weir does give a really good performance but the script kind of gives up being inventive after the “twist.”

#77: MEG 2: The Trench

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Haha. Heh. Hee hee hee.

#76: The Bank Job (2008)

Back to back Statham!

Right proper ol’ banger innit now gov? Extremely British in the way that Guy Ritchie eventually….well, he didn’t really perfect the form but he did distill it down to its essence. Anyway this is a solid entertainment, but enough of a downer to keep it from being the kind of antic fun crime show that has become so popular.

#75: One False Move (1992)

I think that the 90s weren’t really good for crime movies. The Usual Suspects and Tarantino’s output being exceptions (although Tarantino feels like his own category of movies, really). But the 70’s and early 80s had such great, gritty, realistic, depressing, everything sucks crimes and the 2000s went back to the “wow these guys are so coooooool” action/thriller crime extravaganzas. These in-between times gave us stuff like this and Deep Cover and The Gift – perfectly fine entertainments but the feel just doesn’t quite get there.

Up Next: So If You Don’t Rate, Just Overcompensate (Part IV)

#84: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006)

The sea monsters are pretty cool. At this point Depp’s performance itself is reduced mostly to tics and mannerisms but he is clearly having so much fun that he’s very enjoyable to watch. Don’t make me try to remember what the heck the plot was though.

#82: Better Watch Out (2016)

Well done but needed to be either about 25% sweeter or 50% meaner. It doesn’t help that every obnoxious entitled little manchild reminds me of our terrible incel-driven culture right now. If you can get over that you’re likely to enjoy this more than I did.

#81: Alien: Romulus

For about two-thirds of the film this is a great example of an alien movie – turning the escape ship into a trap, separating the terrified crew, and killing most of them. You know, the basics.

But then it switches into the goddamn mythology of the whole thing and now we have alien human hybrids and devious freaking synthoids and reusing the great (and dead) Ian Holm.

Anyway, the first 2/3 are great!

#81: Freelance (2023)

Allison Brie and John Cena are very enjoyable screen presences…which is a good thing because the rest of this is caught between by-the-numbers plotting and excessive character silliness.

#80: Deep Cover (1992)

Continuing the themes of just not quite right we now have this crime thriller about Larry Fishburn as an undercover cop who was obviously going to go bad – like to the extent that any supervisor should’ve seen it coming. I mean, he was all but twirling his mustache wickedly talking about it. And then he advances up the ladder to the ultimate crime boss – Jeff Goldblum???

Look, it’s not bad, it’s actually pretty good – Fishburn makes a heck of a badass. But it’s just weird. Like if you try to think about any of it, it just doesn’t make any sense?

Up Next: So If You Don’t Rate, Just Overcompensate (Part III)

We’re creeping up the charts ladies and germs – still not to what I would call “good” movies but these are a fine time at the ‘ol’ theater (or in almost all cases sitting on the couch watching them stream).

#90: Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

On the one hand, it’s a Die Hard movie. On the other hand at this point in the franchise I’m not sure what that even means. Other than just the general fact of a very likable Bruce Willis performance and some kind of backstory continuity. Although no Bonnie Bedelia in this one and instead his daughter is all grown up now.

Good: Bruce, Timothy Olyphant digging playing a smarmy bad guy, Mary Elizabeth Winstead is always welcome, a game Justin Long.

Less Good: The plot is mostly nonsense, Maggie Q’s character makes no sense at all.

So overall it’s a fine “turn your brain off and just watch things blow up real good” flick.

#89: Marlowe (2023)

Liam Neeson has a very particular set of skills….mostly detecting and following people around.

The movie is self-consciously trying very very hard to be a throwback noir – really that’s the entire reason for the movie. Which is too bad, because if they paid a bit more attention to the mystery it could’ve been a lot of fun, but instead they spent all their effort on the style.

And hey, it’s a cool style! The movie is fun-ish, and Alan Cumming is incredible, but trying to make this look like Chinatown only makes you notice that it’s not Chinatown.

Don’t Watch This, Watch That: See How They Run is more or less everything this wants to be (although set in the ‘50s instead of the ‘20s)

#88: Hot Frosty (2024)

Yep, everything before this is worse than Hot Frosty. Let that sink in for a second.

This succeeds on two matrices: First, it vastly exceeded expectations. Second, even though it was overall pretty stupid if was a lot of fun to watch. Possibly because I knew I was watching HOT FROSTY but enjoying it.

I really knew it had me when there was a montage of the couple doing random cute things, and they baked Christmas cookies, and she bit the head off of a snowman cookie and he looked legitimately horrified.

Have to say though, not sure the guy was really that hot. I mean, yes, sure, he’s well built, but looked just kind of angularly muscular? Maybe he’s just not my type.

#87: The Parent Trap (1998)

I don’t know how extensive the casting call was but boy did they strike gold with Lindsey. She is more or less perfect in this in both roles.

Look you’ve seen this, it’s a perfectly cute movie. Definitely an improvement on the original.

#86: Ricochet (1991)

I mean, it’s Denzel and Lithgow right? And look I like the crazy, but this just takes it a scosche too far. Still fun, but a bit too silly to take it seriously enough to really grab you.

#85: Knowing (2009)

Pretty freaky mystery box movie elevated by a standard nutty Nic Cage performance. The ending kind of comes out of nowhere but is appropriately apocalyptic I guess.

Up Next: So If You Don’t Rate, Just Overcompensate (Part II)

#95: The Apology (2022)

Janeane Garofalo is barely in this, but plays a vital role in the plot, which is not generally a good thing. All the performances are good but this is essentially a two-hander and that doesn’t exactly leave room for a lot of mystery about the plot, which is supposed to be a big suspense thing.

#94: The Watchers (2024)

I told you that there was more Shyamalan to come!

No no M. Night will still be later on, but his daughter has made a solid suspenseful movie. While the ending doesn’t count as a surprise reveal like her dad’s signature, it is still kind of deflating. I dunno, I guess endings are hard? Next time maybe start with the ending and work backwards?

#93: The Visit (2015)

See? I told you!

This was Night’s back comeback IIRC, and it’s interesting – unusually, the description of the plot makes it sound much worse than it actually is. It is not a spoiler to note that something is obviously way way off with the grandparents but the tension comes from trying to figure out what it is and whether or not Night will actually let something bad happen to the kids. Pretty good quick watch.

#92: The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018)

Nothing at all new plot-wise so this relies on vibes to get it across the line, and it works just well enough. To be honest, I’m not sure that Kate McKinnon is going to be a movie star – she’s obviously damn funny, but she doesn’t have the presence and chops to really be the focus of a film. I guess Hollywood has come to the same conclusion.

#91: Thanksgiving (2023)

Extremely silly quasi-satirical horror nonsense. Pretty much everyone in the cast is a suspect as this anti-capitalist funhouse – the scrabble at the store to get the goddamn cheap crap was a ton of fun. Recommended.

Up Next: So if You Don’t Rate, Just Overcompensate (Part I)

#100: The Last of Sheila (1973)

SO. VERY. 70s. Weird sexyish murder mystery among the rich and famous. Maybe a proto-White Lotus kind of thing? Filmed in that 70s way where it feels like the camera is obscuring things. Does that make sense? Does anyone else see that happening a lot in these old movies? Do you smell burning toast?

#99: Ghostwatch (1992)

Apparently this ran on the BBC as an allegedly live show and people freaked right the F out, which is just tremendous and I applaud them vigorously for it. But, you know, by 2024 movie standards….well, it’s a quality prank.

#98: The Foreigner (2017)

Silly little thing that gets by on the inherent charm of Jackie Chan and Pierce Brosnan.

#97: 6 Underground (2019)

Exactly the kind of movie that should’ve had a giant fireball exploding behind them in the scene above.

I know this got a bad rap, and look it’s not like it’s some great masterpiece but it’s fun! The giant magnet super-weapon thing is ridiculous, but the characters have meaningful distinctive quirks and it’s a pretty interesting setup and the car chases are relatively bad-ass. Tom-Bob Says Check It Out!

#96: Old (2021)

You tell ‘em, Mid-Sized Sedan! Yes that is the character’s name. Not an uninteresting setup, but Shyamalan really bungles the ending/reveal something terrible. The big secret could’ve worked in itself, but the way it was handled was so ham-handed that it really brought the whole thing down. Kind of a shame, but M. Night will be seen again on these rankings.

Up Next: It’s Always The Same, It’s Just a Shame, That’s All (Part III)

Herein lie the movies that are above the line – these are the B- movies, the “oh yeah, that was cute, I liked that” movies, the ones that you go ahead and leave on the tv because nothing better is on and you’re only half-watching anyway.

#105: Azrael (2024)

Samara Weaving gets this weird little virtually-no-dialogue future horror flick just over the line. But really, you should see Ready or Not or The Babysitter or even Guns Akimbo instead. Much more fun.

#104: Warlock (1989)

Julien Sands! Richard E. Grant! Terrible 80s CGI! I have a soft spot for this kind of thing, so here we are.

#103: Hitman: Agent 47

This learned the key lesson from The Matrix: if your lead can’t really show emotion convincingly, just have the character be super-stoic so that the inability leans into the character and it seems like a choice.

Cheaply done but decent action and some style to it. I knew it was based on a video game (I assume a FPS) but I didn’t have to know anything about it – not that the plot was remotely complicated or anything.

#102: Pearl Harbor (2001)

Awful lot of kissing in this historical war epic, gol’darn it.

Telling the story of Pearl Harbor primarily as a story about the love triangle between Affleck, Hartnett, and Beckinsale. I mean we all make a lot of choices in this life and far be it from me to judge someone simply for taking a historical tragedy with massive loss of life and make a huge Hollywood epic with all that as a backdrop for romance.

Having said that, it was done pretty well and the combat stuff was well done.

#101: Wolfs (2024)

Very upsetting that this wasn’t better. It could’ve been better! It should’ve been better!

I can’t really even explain why it wasn’t. We know that these two can have great chemistry, we know that they can each do this kind of movie, we definitely know that they are quality, likable actors. The script wasn’t bad, the other performances weren’t bad, There was just something missing. There was no heart I guess? Maybe the sequel would be better now that there are actual stakes that we are aware of for these guys?

Up Next: It’s Always the Same, It’s Just a Shame, That’s All (Part II)

#111: What Josiah Saw (2021)

Robert Patrick plays a solid sonofabitch (and quite possibly worse) patriarch, but this really just flounders along with no real objective. There are two big reveals. One that was obvious from about 5 minutes into the movie and the other that was just a total head-scratcher. So the two main characters were not all pure and innocent…..so? So these deserve what happened to them? Does it make the third persons quest for…..revenge/understanding/love/whatever more poignant somehow?

#110: Tenebrae (1982)

I dunno man, I think maybe giallo and I were just not meant to get along, I obviously have no problems with the subject matter – in fact a more or less straight adaptation of Argentino’s Suspiria was one of my favorite movies of the last few years. But something about this particular style leaves me cold.

#109: Role Play (2024)

Kaley Cuoco and David Oyewolo are both charming (who would’ve guessed that Cuoco would be the breakout star of Big Bang Theory), and I will not say a word against Bill Nighy. But this is definitely the lesser of the various “Retired Secret Agents Who Got Married and Settled Down Has to Come Out of Hiding to Protect Their Family” movies. I think they came up with the idea and figured they would let the cast just take care of making it interesting.

#108: Le Voyage Dans la Lune (1902)

I always struggle with where to place these ancient movies. Obviously a major breakthrough in the medium and it is interesting to see how this stuff was done 120 years ago. But, you know, the plot is pretty silly.

#107: Knight & Day (2010)

Shockingly low for a Tom Cruise movie, but the tone is really out of whack here. I see that it is allegedly an “action movie satire” but I don’t see that at all – it just seems like a typical jokey action movie, not broad enough or biting enough to actually seem satirical. So it comes off as flat.

#106: After Hours (1985)

Just couldn’t get on the right wavelength of this one, despite a Manic Pixie Dream Girl performance from Rosanna Arquette, who I had quite the crush on from various other movies made around this same time. Paul is just too much of a sad sack and this is too much of “crazy shit happens to him” as opposed to him trying to do anything or even like being interested in it. I mean, it was basically fine. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Up Next: It’s Always the Same, It’s Just a Shame, That’s All (Part I)

#118: Road House (2024)

The scene starting with the above is the clear high point, both because it’s insane and hysterical and because it doesn’t use any of the terrible motion-smoothed AI action garbage that is all too frequently used. Conor McGregor, by various accounts, is not a great person, but he has a future in acting (being the bad guy anyway) if he wants it.

Aside from that, Jake Gylenhall is far too jacked for comfort and the whole thing just doesn’t really work. The fight scenes, which should be half of the focus of the movie, are generally poor. The character work is decent though.

#117: Glass (2019)

Advances several spots for Sam’s Prince tribute.

You can really tell watching this that Bruce Willis was not right. Highly unfortunate and sad that he couldn’t have just retired when things got bad for him. McAvoy is still a ton of fun in his role though.

#116: The Bricklayer (2023)

I like Aaron Eckhart but…well, to be honest, I cannot remember a damn thing about this movie. I have vague memories that I didn’t like it, which is enough (combined with its obvious lack of memorability) to place it here on the list.

#115: Smile 2 (2024)

Functional, but not nearly as creepy as the original. Also the reverse “it was all a dream” move isn’t nearly as novel as they think it is.

#114: Twisted (2004)

Painfully predictable. The one exception is the completely nonsensical romance between Judd and Andy Garcia that I assume was forced in by the studio (although it’s not like the script was well written or anything so maybe it was just ham handed all the way along). Our boy Samuel not doing great on today’s list.

#113: Alien: Covenant (2017)

Yes, it’s another Alien movie about these fuckin’ guys. Part of the beauty of the original Alien was that (1) it’s just this freaking force of nature, built to kill, that needs no (and has no) explanation, and (2) it had its evolutionary advantages but if they could somehow be overcome then you could beat it.

Now we have two stupid movies with competing versions of the backstory that we never asked for, and it’s doing crap like surviving being exposed to the vacuum of space and crashing into planets. Come on man.

Still ranked this high because of H.R. Giger and because even with a stupid character Fassbender is still fun to watch.

#112: Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

Look, nobody is more surprised by this than me. We’re all looking for the guy who did this.

Apparently I do have some standards, even for a genre and an actor I adore. This is aimless and pointless and even Kathryn Newton can’t save her one-note character, who is frankly stupid and uninsteresting.

Up Next: Dance Into the Fire, To Fatal Sounds of Broken Dreams (Part V – The Last One!)

#124: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007)

The worst in a generally amusing series. The pre-volleyball scene above is redonkulous, the whole Davey Jones thing is trying to be scary and momentous and silly all at the same time, and fails on all fronts. Depp seems bored, and the film tries to swerve into making Keira Knightly into a badass but if she’s up to it it’s not evident in this movie. (Watch Black Doves though, she’s really good in that.)

#123: You’ll Never Find Me (2023)

All tone and suspense, which is kind of ruined when you can see the big twist coming from a mile away. A few different decisions and it could’ve been really quite good, but when you have two people staring silently at each other for long periods it doesn’t really work if you are just waiting for them to get to the point.

#122: The Boy Behind the Door (2020)

Another one that could’ve been interesting but wasn’t. Nothing particularly noteworthy in this child-abduction….thriller? I guess thriller is right? You never really expect motivations from people who would, you know, abduct children, but here the bad guys are bad because they’re bad and it’s never even hinted at why they wanted the boys (again, there is not a good answer here, but c’mon).

#121: Red Dragon (2002)

Total misfire. How they could only create this when they had Tony Hopkins, Ed Norton, and Ralph Fiennes is stunning. The performances are fine but the movie is lifeless and Fiennes is totally wrong for Dolarhyde – way too pretty.

Obviously this remake only exists because of the massive success of Lambs, but they should’ve taken the hint from how long it took them to get this done and dropped it. They were never going to top the predecessor (which will be coming up in a while).

#120: The Grudge (2020)

As said before, watching the US remakes of classic Japanese horror is almost always a mistake. The one solid moment on this is the above scene that was spoiled on all of the promotion for the movie anyway. Just watch the originals, people.

#119: Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

You might think from the above that this is pretty rockin’ but a sad baby Kong plays a huge role and our boy G is left mostly to just shoot nuke bolts or whatever while Kong and his Thanos Glove takes on Frozen Godzilla and Evil Kong. I dunno man, just a lot of nonsense without much interesting actually happening and the fight scenes weren’t even very good. Excellent sound though.

Up Next: Dance Into the Fire, To Fatal Sounds of Broken Dreams (Part IV)

#130: The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)

The 2024 winner of the Gus-Van-Sant’s-Psycho Award For Achievement in Pointlessness.

Seriously, I don’t know what I expected. You can obviously still tell a compelling story when everyone knows the ending but to do that you need some story to tell and some reason to tell it beyond “I dunno maybe we can strip mine this legend for parts” or “oooohhh real scary.” This even fails on the scary part. Good makeup though.

#129: American Assassin (2017)

Dylan O’Brien is a charisma black hole and the plot makes me feel dirty just thinking about it (average kid becomes uber-commando assassin targeting various……uhhh…..Middle Eastern targets after terrorists murder his fiancé). Should’ve thought a bit harder about this before thinking I could use a nice action shoot-em-up.

#128: The Parent Trap (1961)

So look I try to take movies on their own terms and be open to them but this is just wayyyyy too family-friendly for me. Just cloying. They did do a pretty good job with the FX for doubling up Haylay Mills, but the early-live-action Disneyness plus the terrible gender politics are too much.

#127: Predators (2010)

Yes the above is a real scene from a real movie. Larry Fishburn! Adrien Brody! WALTON GOGGINS! And I like most of the other Predator movies (especially the recent Prey). But this is just a mess – space portals, Predator dogs, human slave camps on the hunting world, just a bunch of garbage randomly thrown together.

#126: From Beyond (1986)

Sometimes a B-movie is just a B-movie.

#125: Fracture (2007)

Sir Anthony is usually a lot of fun but here he fails to walk the balance between hamming it up and being hyper-capably menacing, coming off as just as asshole. Really made me realize what a triumph Hannibal Lecter was and how much work went into that performance and was clearly lacking here.

Up Next: Dance Into the Fire, To Fatal Sounds of Broken Dreams (Part III)