#58 – The Platform (2019)

Rather obvious parable but enough interesting characterization to keep my attention.

#57 – True Romance (1993)

Christian Slater just works better as an older actor. He never fit as a leading man and his jittery weirdness plays better as a damaged older guy (eg his work in Mr. Robot) than a neurotic kid. This movie struck a pretty good balance of letting him be weird while trying to rein him in just enough but it still couldn’t quite make him fit into the role.

#56 – Red Notice (2021)

I guess I have to turn in my cinephile card, but I liked this? I mean, it wasn’t great but it was perfectly good fun. I’m not a big Gal Gadot fan but she was fine and Dwayne and Ryan did their thing. Don’t get why everyone collectively decided that this was terrible.

#55 – Extraction (2020)

My verdict on made-for-Netflix action movies: Fine! They’re fine! Not great cinema, but cromulently made and they fill the bill for the assignment. Enjoy!

54 – Sweetheart (2019)

Perfectly acceptable creature feature. They had an opportunity to have gotten interesting with the abandonment stuff, but mostly passed in favor of standard monster-hunts-person fare.

#53 – The New Mutants (2020)

Wildly uneven, but also benefitting from bottom-of-the-barrel expectations. There is a high floor for me for a movie featuring a Lockheed puppet. In fairness, this was clearly edited to death and it feels like a much better movie was lurking in here somewhere if it didn’t have to pass a committee.

#52 – Crimson Peak (2015)

The plotline is kind of a mess and the “terrible secret” was very obvious, but I’m a sucker for quality art direction and Hiddleston and Chastain are having a lot of fun.

Next: These Movies Were Good! Good, I Tell You!

Not great, but still fun to watch. These were the “turn your brain off and enjoy” movies.

#66 – Hell House LLC (2015)

Faux-documentary style Blair Witch ripoff with an underwhelming denouement but a good level of creepy/scary lurking in the movie throughout. Given that their budget was like $8 it was pretty impressive.

#65 – The Conjuring 2 (2016)

Leaned further into the supernatural/demonic possession angle than any other Conjuring movie, which I definitely appreciated. Could’ve used much less focus on the Warrens though, as per usual.

#64: No Time To Die (2021)

James Bond movies may be the hardest things to completely screw up in light of the mandatory set pieces, gadgets, characters and scenes, and everything else that is essentially plotted out in advance. This hit all the mandatory notes and gave Craig a good sendoff enough so that one could overlook that Malek’s evil plan and motivations made no sense. The highlight was clearly the Ana de Armas scene – kept hoping for her to reappear to no avail.

#63 – War of the Worlds (2005)

Tom Cruise action movies also have a very high floor, even if the indominable aliens capable of space travel on a massive scale can’t understand germ theory.

#62 – The Fast and the Furious (2001)

Fun, low-stakes little car story. Vin is pretty compelling. Absolutely no idea how this became like the biggest series in the world.

#61 – The Dry (2020)

Good character study thinly disguised as a murder mystery.

#60 – Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

Always a good time to watch Cage ham it right the hell up.

#59 – Jungle Cruise (2021)

Drags when Emily Blunt and The Rock aren’t on screen together….luckily that doesn’t happen very often.

Next: Enjoyable, Part 2!

#77 – Freejack (1992)

Not good enough to be good, not bad enough to really be fun. Mick was clearly enjoying himself tremendously though, which raised this from the bad groups to the “Eh, whatevers.”

#76 – Southbound (2015)

Anthology movies are tricky, and even trickier when they try to make them all tie together. This had some interesting stuff but couldn’t pull it off.

#75 – A Classic Horror Story (2021)

Started interesting but cruised into nothing special and ended stupid.

74 – The Net (1995)

Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. Cute movie, but far too much reliance on magical computers that can do anything with 6 keystrokes.

#73 – The Devil Inside (2012)

Slow burn that just never pays off (despite some far-too-brief fun exorcisms).

#72 – The Trip (2010)

Not unpleasant but noting really happens. The Michael Caine voice scene is hysterical but there was zero plot and most of it wasn’t as fun as it was made out to be. This may have suffered in the expectation game after too many raves.

#71 – The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)

Still has the appropriate spookums, but the identification of a specific bad guy (the identity of whom will take you all of ten minutes to guess) instead of the much more interesting mysterious forces of evil brought down the stakes too much for me.

#70 – Speed Racer (2008)

I don’t get the outsized hate for this, but I just as much don’t get the critical reassessment that says it was great but before its time. The F/X were fun, the cast was great, and it was shockingly true to the spirit of the cartoon. That last item was also the thing that resulting in the movie not really working for me, as there are aspects of the cartoon that I never grooved on (chim chim and Spritle….ughhh) not to mention an overall tone that I never really got.

#69 – The Strangers: Prey at Night (2018)

Great production values and F/X work, but there is nothing original here. Thousands of movies have covered most of this territory and the interesting part of the first movie (these are just three nihilistic randos we never learn anything about) was abandoned to boot. It was fine, just pointless.

#68 – The Neon Demon (2016)

One of my favorite actors and A+++ art direction….and just no real plot and a sudden, startling, unexplainable twist seemingly made for no reason other than shock value.

#67 – Jolt (2021)

A fun Kate Beckinsale movie that would’ve been much more fun if they let it breathe as a movie instead of spending so much time trying to set up a franchise.

Next: Enjoyable!

This is the group of movies that had a good idea or concept but just didn’t pull it off. Some of them had good moments but flaws that were too big to overcome, some maybe just weren’t for me.

#90 – Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

Needed to take itself even less seriously to have really worked. I think they thought that they were onto something deep and meaningful here. The 70s were a trip, man.

#89 – Possessor (2020)

Just a really tremendous idea never explored beyond the most basic level. Possibly the most disappointing movie of the year for me

#88 – Black Narcissus (1947)

Nuns Go (Not Very) Crazy! I will give it up for the gorgeous cinematography.

87: Godzilla vs Kong (2021)

Shockingly uninteresting. Shouldn’t they have had fun making this? What was the purpose of having Millie Bobby Brown in it to do nothing? Ick.

#86 – Censor (2021)

This is what happens when psychological horror doesn’t work.

#85 – Hausu (1977)

Yeah, I know, I’m the low man on this by far, and a lot of stuff I love would possibly never have been made without this paving the way….but geez I was just not on this film’s wavelength AT ALL. The psychedelia, the (deliberately) cheap-ass F/X, the nonexistent acting…..just, everything about this felt like a chore.

#84: Woodstock ’99: Peace, Love and Rage (2021)

Interesting footage but FAR FAR too pat of an explanation / blame for everything.

#83 – Absentia (2011)

Weird concept, generally creepy tone, but never really gets at what is going on or its effect on those left behind or, really, anything interesting at all.

#82 – No Sudden Move (2021)

When I was looking for a picture of this movie, one of the top results that came up was “What Was the Point of No Sudden Move?” You nailed that one, internet. What a waste of so much talent in front of and behind the camera for a movie where I didn’t care about anyone doing anything, even Amy Seimetz. Do you know how hard it is to make me not care about Amy Seimetz??? I guess sleazeball Matt Damon was kind of fun.

#81 – Gunpowder Milkshake (2021)

Never mind No Sudden Move, Gunpowder Milkshake made me not care about KAREN GILLAN??? What is wrong with you people? Why are you doing this??? Stop it right now!

#80 – No One Gets Out Alive (2021)

You know the old saw about Stephen King that he doesn’t know how to do endings? Well imagine a ghost story with around 20% of his craft that has that same problem.

#79 – Mortal Kombat (2021)

The most generic version possible of the subject. The approach was exemplified by just having Goro in the movie, without having him do anything interesting (like, say, anything that used his 4 arms as an advantage).

#78 – Happy Death Day 2 U

I am physically pained to place the sequel to one of my favorite all-time movies so low, but this is just too confused. Not just in the time-travel nonsense plot (essentially every time travel movie with the possible exceptions of Looper and Primer (after 10 or so viewings) makes no sense) but in terms of what they want the characters to do and be and relate to each other. Jessica Rothe was still great at least.

Next: Meh

#100: The Cheap Detective (1978)

Peter Falk, Eileen Brennan, Ann-Margaret, Stockard Channing, written by Neil Simon…..figured this might be funny!

It was not.

#99: Jesse Stone: Sea Change (2007)

Look, sometimes you have your mother in law over and everyone just wants to watch a movie and you take the hit, ya know? Nice smolder from Tom though.

#98: Airport (1970)

I forget the final count for how long it took for the “disaster” to strike in this putative disaster movie, but it was well over an hour. And even then it wasn’t much of a disaster. Booooo.

Obviously, any Movie Club ™ films are ranked on enjoyment of the movie alone, regardless of the fun we have riffing them. The movie was boring as hell but it was a good time mocking it ruthlessly.

#97: Ghost Stories (2017)

When the reaction to the reveal at the big twist ending is “oh, huh” that is not a good sign for audience engagement.

#96: Gretel and Hansel (2020)

I had to go back and look up the plot from this and I still only vaguely remember it. Hopefully Sophia Lillis (Bev from “It,” Syd in “I Am Not Okay With This”) gets more interesting projects in the future.

#95: CHUD (1984)

Turns out this is a much better meme than movie.

#94: The Swarm (1978)

The beeeeeess!!!!! So sad about little Billy/Johnny/Tommy/whatever his damn name was. Bonus points for blowing up Houston reeeeeeeel good.

#93: 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

My attempt to watch the FNF movies ended at 2. No Vin Diesel? What is even the point? The acting was terrible, the chases were boring, and I’m not going to go back and look up another plot.

#92: Silent Hill (2006)

I know, I know, this one is on me for watching a video game movie. I was told that the images and F/X were good in this but….well, see above.

#91: The Rite (2011)

The worst of the exorcism movies I saw this year, despite a game performance from Tony Hopkins. Pretty sure the demon lost? I dunno man. Geez, maybe I should move The Swarm up, at least I remembered the plot of that one.

Next: Misfires (13)

So, looking back at 2021 I see that it was actually a pretty good year for movies. Unclear whether that’s because things delayed from the initial stretch of the pandemic finally got released or I was better at picking things to watch or what, but nothing made me want to wash my brain out with lye this year. That’s good! So we’re kicking things off in this installment with films that offended my delicate sensibilities for one reason or another but nobody involved needs to be burned at the stake, although they may want to consider some light atoning.

#104: This is 40 (2012)

This was allegedly supposed to be a comedy, but when the married characters clearly hate each other and desperately need to get divorced it’s…..not inherently funny? Like, that was the joke? And we were supposed to be….happy?….at the end when they stayed together?

Apologies to Melissa McCarthy, whose scene with the school counselor (and particularly the outtakes therefrom that played at the end) was the one actual funny bit of the whole thing.

#103: Halloween Kills (2021)

I yield to no man, woman, or beast in my love of the original Halloween and the 2018 sequel, but I am truly shook in my assessment of that 2018 movie when the same filmmakers that were behind that created this complete mess. Trying WAY too hard to make a socially-relevant point, this movie argues that the real Michael Myers was inside us all along. And by the way is literally unkillable.

Hopefully any future inclusions in this franchise will just pretend this didn’t exist. Ugh.

#102: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

Okay, so this is the only one of these movies I have seen (or will see), but I am confident that viewing more will not give me context that raises my opinion. The one good thing that these movies did is make Kristen Stewart enough money so she can make more movies like Personal Shopper.

Roughly half of this movie turns out to be a dream sequence / premonition. So the huge battle that apparently the whole series has been building toward becomes a “well, better not let THAT happen, guess we’ll just peacefully go our separate ways.” What a waste of time.

#101 – Tenet (2020)

So this was the one that was supposed to save the movies eh? Someone forgot to tell Nolan that movies need plots and motivations that make sense. John David Washington’s suave cool only goes so far. Maybe this would be fun to watch if you, I dunno, put on a nice Pink Floyd album or something with the movie’s soundtrack turned down?

Next: Just Boring (10)

So the conceit here, obviously, is ordering the movies I watched, but more so than most years putting my top 3 in order was extraordinarily difficult. So take this as kind of a 1a/1b/1c situation. All of these were fantastic and I’ve changed my mind about the order over and over. But for posterity (and in order to finally get this done), here is my “official” ranking.

#3: Uncut Gems (2019)

And the best acting performance I saw in 2020 was…..Adam Sandler?!?!?

So maybe he was playing to type as a character that was highly irritating yet having a can’t-look-away charisma; a bizarre combination of nebbishness and cockiness. But he completely sells Howard as someone who is a half-step ahead of his doom at any time but firmly believes that he can talk his way into getting more time, more money, more chances and that he is just around the corner from the big payoff that will make everything alright. He’s the gambling addict that knows that he’s due, that he’s found a secret flaw in the system and he’s just about to exploit it if people would just stop pestering him with small annoying details like past-due debt and whether he’s resurfacing his swimming pool.

The movie is a master-class of constant tension; there is never any real question about whether Howard will get out of all of this fully intact. He’s clearly overextended. He has less and less to fall back on and more and more people have reason to be seeking a pound of flesh. The mystery is more about exactly how, when, and from whom his downfall will come, and how bad it will be.

I don’t think that you’re supposed to be rooting for Howard per se (I certainly wasn’t), and he’s not anyone that you would want to hang out with, but there is a sense that he’s not that bad a guy, really, and that he really, truly believes (and might even be right!) that one of his schemes will work out and he’ll hit that jackpot, which is what really sells the performance and the movie. If there wasn’t something compelling about Howard, the whole thing would be a farce instead of a tragedy.

This is the last movie I saw in a theater. Very much hoping that won’t stay the case for too much longer.

#4: Lady Macbeth (2016)

What is evil?

A woman is placed, through no fault of her own and with minimal if any chance for any input on it all, into an unpleasant situation. That situation becomes more and more intolerable.

If she takes steps to get out of it, even if those steps are also objectively terrible, but they only have consequence for her and those who were her oppressors (or worse), is that truly evil?

Of course, once someone has done something horrific in order to survive, it’s easier to convince themselves that another terrible thing is justified to avoid the consequences, right? And then, well, what was even the point of all of that if you can’t be…comfortable.

This was the performance that really put Florence Pugh on the map, and it was one of the two best I saw this year. Breathtaking.

#5: The Wailing (2016)

About 45 minutes into The Wailing I realized that, even though I wasn’t really multitasking because I had to be reading the subtitles, I was still not paying enough attention to the movie. Boy am I glad that I went back and started again and really focused.

This is a long movie (2.5 hours) and one that rewards (requires?) close attention, but it is well worth it on both counts. Whether because it’s not made for US audiences that have been trained to be spoon fed everything or because it’s just a great movie that trusts its audience, we are never told expressly what exactly is happening. Or, rather, we are told many different things at different times from sources that may or may not be trustworthy or, even if they are, may still be wrong.

There are endless arguments to be made about the cause of what is happening in this film. Is the old Japanese man new to the neighborhood an evil demon cursing the innocent or just a creepy old man, the subject of prejudice and superstition? Or maybe both? Is it important that Jong-goo is not the most ethical or diligent of policemen? Does anything he does even matter or is his family just doomed? Are the townspeople cursed or just despairing and susceptible to hysteria?

As often mentioned, I am heavily in favor of horror movies that play out in a way that feels authentic in that there is nobody who comes along and has “the answer” about what is happening, why it’s happening, and how to stop it. I am also willing to grant a movie all sorts of leeway in the setup, but within the rules that it establishes I expect the characters to act in a way that people actually would when placed in that situation; maybe they are more brave or heroic than average, as it’s less fun to just watch people run away and/or sob uncontrollably, but still within the realm of expected human experience. And confronted with the events of The Wailing, you just wouldn’t have any idea what the heck is happening, and when people come to you with various accusations and explanations you wouldn’t have the slightest idea who to believe.

Even if that choice may end up being all that matters.