MovieFest 2025: I Cried For Half an Hour Without Stopping

So we just won’t talk about the bad movies, okay? Just don’t talk about them. If anybody asks we didn’t see nothin’.

#216: The Devil’s Pass (2013)

Lame takeoff of Blair Witch has some interesting “based on a true story” stuff but with a bunch of plot holes and woo woo nonsense exposition. I would’ve preferred an actual documentary on the Dyatlov Pass Incident (although as I understand it it’s basically a solved mystery at this point.

#215: Fear Street: Prom Queen (2025)

Long-term readers of this here blog will recall how much I loved the original trilogy in this series and those who followed me back when I was a twitter slave* know that my horror movie mantra of “never stop stabbing” originated with them as well.

So it was a pretty big comedown to watch this installment just be unimaginative dreck. Rote 80’s-style horror although at least there are so many suspects that it’s basically impossible to guess at who the killer is. But the 80’s gore without any inventiveness didn’t do it for me and the plotting was meh. Pass.

*The one thing I have to give to Elon is inadvertently rescuing me from social media, since as soon as he bought it I knew it would turn into a terrible cesspool.

#214: The Mother (2023)

Interesting that this is a standardized genre now – JLo plays the badass secret agent / assassin / rogue spy who has to give up her daughter for the daughter’s own good and then when the shit hits the fan has to teacher her to be an assassin at 12. This one doesn’t really work as a spy action thriller or a heartwarming family drama.

#213: Gladiator II (2024)

A pale imitation of the original. Denzel is widely acknowledged as the only good part of the film, and yes he is having fun, but honestly even he isn’t having a good time, not really. CGI flattens the big scenes in a way not seen in the original. The archers are perfect when the script needs them to be and incompetent otherwise (I guess they went to the Imperial Stormtrooper Sharpshooting Academy). People switch their life-long held beliefs based on single conversations.

#212: Emilia Perez (2024)

What. The. Holy. Fuck.

Gets this high for the sheer audacity. The second-biggest surprise* is the Zoe Saldana can really sing

I am reasonably sure that this movie features the only high-tempo musical dance number set in a post-op gender confirmation clinic. Unfortunately that fact doesn’t make this a movie that actually makes sense or that is sufficiently gonzo throughout to be fun.

*You know, after <waves around frantically> everything.

#211: The Tree if Life (2011)

Begins as a compelling family drama that is interrupted by extended ludicrous and over-weighty nature sequences that are sometimes very cool and are sometimes the dinosaurs being wiped out for some reason and extensive fairly generic B roll of kids growing up. Maybe I’m too cold hearted or dim to get it but yeeeeesh. All the direct discussion with God stuff is….not original or compelling.

I also did not care for the introduction of Pitt’s dad character as a basic good guy then gradually revealing that he’s actually a pretty typical 50s character abusive dad (granted more emotionally than physically but still) – just manipulative and mean spirited. I will say, it was beautifully shot, and the parts allegedly in Houston were definitely in Houston, including my building.

I think the record will show that I can really love some of this deep philosophical shit but this just did not land for me at all and it all seemed like a weird distraction from a thin but somewhat interesting story about a 50s family that I’ve seen a bunch before; why couldn’t we just focus on that instead of all the weighty loaded BS.

(I really wanted to put this widely-acknowledged classic of the 21st century behind Emilia Perez but I just couldn’t quite do it)

#210: A Serious Man (2009)

JFC all these people are just terrible! Selfish, thoughtless assholes who cannot think of anyone other than themselves. Is this supposed to be funny? I guess its a satire of some kind but its just infuriating. And like it’s the Book of Job I guess, I get it, but that doesnt make it fun to watch, and the Devine testing you is one thing, but people have free will and when everyone acts that way all the time, screw them you know? And yes yes yes i get it about the ending reinforcing the theme that its not about getting the answers but omfg it was so frustrating. Ughhhh!!

Up Next: The Group That Wasn’t Quite Good Enough To Get Over the Line

MovieFest 2025: I Cried For Half an Hour Without Stopping

Don’t look back! The bad movie is gaining on us!!

#223: Trigger Warning (2024)

I maintain a long, long list of movies that I haven’t seen that have been recommended or that I think I might like or that are on some list that I am compulsively going through*. But even with that to-do list sometimes, like everyone does, I end up just scrolling through things on Netflix or one of the other services looking for something that seems interesting. Thus….Trigger Warning, starring Jessica Alba as a young woman who comes home to bury her father and…I dunno, take down the crime syndicate that was behind it or something? Anyway, this turns out to be standard Netflix dreck. Alba is fine enough, but the plot is silly and the action is poor.

*Only 18 left on the Sight and Sound Top 100 and 39 on the Rotten Tomatoes Horror Top 200!

#222: High Rise (2015)

Part heavy-handed metaphor, part fever dream, part our protagonist going insane, all in a weird 70s pastiche. Doesn’t actually make sense in a, you know, linear plot-like way, or even really as an allegory, but gets this high for a reasonably game Hiddleston performance.

#221: The Sandlot (1993)

Another hearty lookback to the 50s (or I guess 1962 in this case) where everything was simpler and nicer and barrrrfffff. I dunno maybe im just an old grump but this did nothing for me. Maybe I just am particularly sick and tired of appeals to the “good old days” right now because…<waves at everything>. The kids were not like kids, the adult looking back narration was grating, and I just generally dont go for this sort of thing. Although! Big exception for the James Earl Jones plotline that was genuinely nice, even thought the idea that that dog was terrifying was ludicrous.

#220: Orphan (2009)

Just incredibly frustrating, as everyone in the movie refuses to have even the slightest suspicion of the terrible murdering “girl” no matter how much evidence it is that she is doing this stuff. Augh!

#219: Under Suspicion (2000)

Wants to be some kind of Basic Instinct or Silence of the Lambs or something, but the script just isn’t there to support it and Freeman and Hackman are given nothing to work with that that can use to turn it into something interesting. Finally gets mildly interesting at the very end, but the payoff still isn’t worth it

#218: Melancholia (2011)

Yeah so I didn’t get this at all. It has to be about something sub or meta textual (beyond the obvious flaming metaphor of the goddamn planet named Melancolia) but this mildly depressed woman has everyone in her life being total and complete utter assholes and, surprise surprise, she becomes severely clinically depressed, like, yeah, no kidding? I guess you could say that the movie is about two ways of dealing with human existence – depression and anxiety, but, like, you know that there are other ways too yes? There are ways of making meaning? I dunno, didn’t like it, ick. The first half had a great performance by Dunst as the living embodiment of depression I guess?

#217: The Damned (2024)

Compelling first 30 minutes of desperate people making terrible ethical choices (because there are no good ones) but then it becomes fairly rote and ends on a “haha no they were all just going crazy” without any real setup or nearly enough signposts on the way that that could’ve been the issue. Could’ve been good with some rewrites and or better direction but nope.

Up Next: The End of This Category!

MovieFest 2025: I Cried For Half an Hour Without Stopping

That movie was just so bad! Just….really really bad! I need comforting!

#229: Blink (1994)

Extremely 90s thriller with reprehensible sexual politics and few if any likable characters. Fun to mock with movie club though!

#228: Cloud (2024)

The record will show that I am a huge fan of Kiyoshi Kurosawa, but his willingness to take risks and be unconventional can sometimes….well, they can’t all be winners.  His latest is bizarre – nobody acts like a real person, neither the affectless protagonist, his bizarrely devoted assistant, or the gang of people who decide to murder him, mostly just ‘cuz (seriously, one of them has a legitimate gripe, one apparently decides to murder him for absolutely no reason, one is in it for the kicks, and one…..was his former boss who really liked him?  What?). Then his girlfriend who broke up with him because he was ignoring her (fair enough!) comes back with a gun too?). I assume he was going for some kind of allegory but I just didn’t see it here. Late-stage capitalism is bad?

#227: Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

Hard to imagine why this didn’t work – fun idea, great cast…it just needed to be either about 5 times sillier or else entirely serious on its face. Instead it ended up kind of…boring? The one villain was not really all that villainous, the main hero figure was not that heroic, and even Clooney was not that interesting and boy does that character need to be interesting. Yawn

#226: Monster Squad (1987)

Cute and definitely had its moments, but overall too ‘87 for me – the period-accurate kid homophobia and misogyny was difficult to overcome, and then there was Albertan Dracula with his traditional powers of super strength, power blasts from his fists, and using dynamite. I feel bad that poor Wolf Man had to die and that good pure and noble Frankenstein was sucked into the void for no reason at the end.

#225: Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning (2025)

Among other issues, this really suffered from trying to be the capstone for the series – so many flashbacks early, so much overbearing dialogue, every single thing from the prior movies has to specifically tie into this one for no actual reason – even the old great stunts are redone here as the big set pieces are on biplanes and underwater. I’m honestly amazed that there wasn’t a skyscraper scene.

The plot had a disappointing number of holes and things that just didn’t make sense – why would killing the entity destroy the internet? (Which, by the way, it doesn’t – once it happens they just don’t mention it anymore), why would anyone think that a preemptive nuclear strike would work? Why do we know the exact countdown, to the second, that the Entity will need to break through everyone’s defenses? And of course, the first movie is just made irrelevant – turns out you don’t need two keys after all, haha!

And what’s the deal with the bad guys? Gabriel was interesting when he was the personal manifestation of the Entity, now he’s another random bad guy trying to take over the world with a ton of random goons willing to throw away their lives because it advances his plans. And what happened to the all powerful Entity? In the last movie it was interesting because how were they going to overcome this awesome all-knowing thing and its agents that it helped see five moves ahead. But now it can do nothing but create the countdown and wait for Gabriel and others to outmaneauver it? I dunno, just really disappointing despite the nice Trammell Tillman casting. Easily theworst one of the series.

#224: Taste of Cherry (1997)

They are not kidding when they all this minimalist. Yikes, I could describe the plot in one sentence, and one without too many independent clauses. It didn’t seem that deep either? Sometimes I wonder if I am just not deep enough to “get” movies like this.

Up Next: More poor, misguided films

MovieFest 2025: I Cried For Half an Hour Without Stopping

There! That’s the movie that made me sad by how bad it was! Get it!

We move on to the films that made me sad – not because they effectively moved me to empathize with the characters, of course – don’t be silly! – but because they’re annoying and bad. The movies in this group weren’t offensive for the most part; this is where the boring movies with no point for existing lurk, along with other misguided flops that I was tricked into viewing.

#235: Heart of Stone (2023)

Per my notes, this is a Standard Netflix Movie-Shaped Entertainment Program ™. Of course I started taking notes because I sometimes I have difficulty remembering some of the movies I watched, but this was meant to just slide off my brain smoothly and leave no trace. Even looking at my notes I have no idea what this was about. Was it some kind of spy thing?  The part of me that temporarily remembered it noted that it didn’t really make sense and that the Heart of Stone (?) was a completely ridiculous macguffin at the heart of the plot.  They really really need to stop trying to make Gal Godot happen, too.

#234: Caveat (2021)

The freakish rabbit thing with the drum is definitely the most interesting part of the movie, and is featured in all marketing and thumbnails of the film. Of course the rabbit ultimately means nothing and is barely even in the movie, which suggests the depths of the plot are truly impressive.

#233: Surrogates (2009)

Yes, sadly, that is Bruce Willis. Completely ridiculous concept – everyone uses robots so there is no crime? What??? The situationally fun stuff they do with the avatar robots doesn’t nearly compensate for the ridiculous premise and total lack of understanding human behavior. And it has a classic “oh we fixed this one thing so everything is entirely better now” ending. Freaking Electric State handled it better for goodness sake.

#232: Omni Loop (2024)

Wants to be a nice melancholy look at learning to accept yourself and your life and enjoy the now, while also taking advantage of the Edibirissance, but it really gets bogged down with depressiveness and a bit too much self-indulgence. Also a rare film that is tremendously brought down by its soundtrack – mind-numbingly repetitive synths that just would not stop.

#231: 25th Hour (2002)

There might have been a good movie here, it’s just a shame that Spike Lee wasn’t interested in telling it. Good performances really brought down by things like a 5 minute (not exaggerating) rant to the camera about the various new York neighborhoods and common, weird double-shots, long lingering shots of the twin towers site with no connection to the movie, slow-motion car ride-by of all the archetypes mentioned during the rant, another 5-minute monologue about what could happen if he runs for it, etc. Desperately needed less (or at least less obvious) directing. Pretty sure this is my lowest-ranked Phillip Seymour Hoffman film too – of course he is fine, but his character is ridiculous.

#230: Now You See Me 2 (2016)

Possibly more preposterous thing about this whole franchise is the idea that magicians are the most famous/important people in the entire world and a powerful secret society righting wrongs and controlling things, and that there is a huge FBI task force hunting them full time for….reasons….and that they can instantly draw huge, appreciative crowds everywhere they go. Like, seriously? What? Leaving that aside, though, the main thing that made the first once fun to watch was that all the double crosses (and triple crosses, etc) weren’t totally expected.  So here we know that these movies are going to involve a ton of double crosses, which makes them so much less effective – when you never trust anyone you can’t be surprised when they do something nasty.

Up Next: More of the same, yay!

MovieFest 2025: “Only a Silly Person Would Try to Start a Good Work with a Bad Tool”

I keep telling you that it’s going to be fine, why are you so excited?

#240: Dead Calm (1989)

I just can’t stand a psychological thriller when the psychology is this unbelievable. There is also intro about a dead kid that was notable only for an insane “fake kid flying through windshield” sequence and otherwise has no reason to exist. Sam Neill goes off early into an entirely different movie about fixing a boat and, possible worst of all, there is a dog who exists only to be in peril and ultimately killed. Unacceptable.

#239: Kill Me Again (1989)

Wants so so SO bad to be Body Heat but it really kind of sucked? Editing was terrible, sound was bad, even Val was lifeless and uninteresting, which was shocking.

#238: Virtuosity (1995)

Yeah, no. Russell Crowe is the only one who knows what kind of movie he’s in and he hams it up nicely, Denzel tries to play it straight though – ossibly because Denzel just cannot yet accept that he’s in some schlock – but it just makes him feel like he doesn’t fit the film. The script is just pretty bad and the “futuristic” F/X are pretty abysmal – although the fashion would potentially better than what we actually got.

#237: Play Dirty (2025)

So it turns out that Prime can do Netflix dreck too! Really too bad because this cast is quite good – Marky W is reliable; Rosa Salazar is fantastic when the script gives her anything interesting to do; Claire Lovering pulls off a miracle by actually making her joke land; Keegan Michael-Key is always fun; Tony Shaloub does a good bad guy (though he’s no Albert Brooks in Drive). But the script is terrrrible, too much bad GCI, every twist is telegraphed from 40 miles away, the plot doesn’t make sense and the whole caper depends on too many people deciding to take certain specific actions exactly a certain way at an exact time. Oh and the entire movie hinges on everyone forgetting the initial deadly betrayal almost immediately after it happens, which takes the stakes way down for most of the rest of the movie. It does get an extra half-star for having the courage of its convictions for the ending at least.

#236: To Catch a Killer (2023)

What a weird mix of a movie – feel written and directed by a committee. Is it a thriller or a process movie or some kind of weirdo political polemic? We see a ton of people get executed by the best sharpshooter in history and then we’re supposed to feel sorry for him maybe? The old captain is suddenly revealed to be sick and then of course he dies more or less immediately. Not sure what Woodley is trying to do but at least she’s incredibly interesting doing it and district much better material than this.

Up Next: I Have To Find Another Stephen King Quote About Stuff That is Bad But This Time Not Quite As Bad As This Other Stuff

MovieFest 2025: “Only a Silly Person Would Try to Start a Good Work with a Bad Tool”

I can’t help but feel like we’re escalating things here

#245: Timestalker (2024)

Decent if not particularly original idea, but frankly the script needed several more passes to rise to the level of being decent.  The acting is ok, but the direction is poor and just the whole thing is too stupid and yet not stupid enough be a “good bad” fun watch.

#244: Vicious (2024)

I like Dakota Fanning (although I like Elle more) but the script was not good. If you’re going to have an evil mystery box and makes a big deal about the rules and how you you can’t bend the rules over and over, you can’t have it turn out to be be some stupid “guess what I’m thinking now???” game. And the ending didn’t make any damn sense. Honestly just really annoying.

#243: Ordet (1955)

Maybe it’s because I was went to a Catholic high school with required theology classes, but this allegedly profound religious movie was actually incredibly basic in its philosophy.  Apparently people find this very meaningful and good for them but so much of it is “My God is better” “Nuh-uh, MY god is better!” Like that is supposed to convince someone?  And I guess it turns out that the the idiot son was actually the risen Christ for….reasons?

#242 New Jack Cory (1991)

Tried to be all style no substance but the style isn’t even very good. Makes the case that you can become a drug kingpin just by having the coolest attitude and the best clothes. Glamorizes the lifestyle all the tile while also throwing out classic 80s “crack kills” crap. Neither Chris Rock nor the script is good enough to sell the emotional beats needed. And what the hell is Judd Nelson doing in thus movie?  His character is totally superfluous – I guess they needed a white cop? With some unspecified emotional problems that never actually come into play notwithstanding that they talk about them more often than Judd is on screen. And then the movie doesnt even have the courage to kill the litle girl Neno picks up to hide behind on the hit.  And does nobody in this movie know how to go to ground during a turf war? They are all sitting outside in cafes during open gang warfare? Snipes and whoever played G Money were pretty good though. Ending it with some bizarro socio political courtroom screed and letting him flip based on nonsense was….well it was definitely a choice.

#241: Hopscotch (1980)

There is something about ‘70s movies for me. (I know this is technically 1980 but go with me here, I’m on a roll) The grimy conspiracy thrillers where the evil old world almost always crushes our heroes are some of my absolute favorites. But the private eye shaggy dog ones like this just bounce off me.  Slow and silly – both in tone and in story (Walter Matthau has a gorgeous rich girlfriend who never expects anything from him but supports him unconditionally for no reason). Matthau easily outsmarts everyone else without trying which takes an suspense out of it. And it’s.

Just.

So.

Very.

Slow.

Paced.

Up Next: The End of This Category!

MovieFest 2025: “Only a Silly Person Would Try to Start a Good Work with a Bad Tool”

I call this one….”Mr. Stabby!”

#250: Rush Hour (1998)

Standard 90s action comedy elevated by Jackie Chan and brought down by a really bad script.  The 90s-level casual racism is bad enough but the ridiculousness of the set up – the FBI absolutely refusing to work with the Chinese Authorities in any way, Chan never explaining anything that could instead be solved by a 5 minute fight sequence, why does the FBI keep believing the kidnapper when he just blew a bunch if guys up at the first drop, etc etc, also why does Jackie vouch for Tucker when all Tucker has done is lie to and obstruct him – I guess to keep the movie going. Yay. Tucker teaching Chan how to say “y’all” is a war crime against Texans. Just amazing that these movies could rank so low for me with an established love of Jackie Chan. And it’s not even like Tucker is bad in these things – the scrips are just that terrible!

#249: The Ugly Stepsister (2025)

Cinderella is really a pretty terrible story when you think about it – but that insight doesn’t really support a film, it turns out. The really villain is, of course, the male-dominated aristocracy, as all of the characters (other than the younger stepsister) come out looking pretty bad but it’s really because they are acting out of extreme need. The story goes exactly where you expect it to, although that doesn’t make the cringier moments any easier to take. The concept really wasn’t bad but the movie was more concerned with showing grime and gore (just guess how the stepsister gets that slipper to fit!) than telling an interesting and coherent tale.

#248: Captain America: Brave New World (2025)#

My tolerance for storylines involving morally compromised presidents is……extremely low right now. Interesting (“interesting”) choice that the promos featured red hulk everywhere when the movie itself played that as a big mystery – I wonder what it would’ve played like as a surprise. Otherwise, a tragic waste of Giancarlo Esposito in what feels like rolling out a bunch of C-team characters. Plot wise, the Leader absolutely had no reason whatsoever to have surrendered (or killed the army guy to keep him from telling Sam about the pills, which he figured out himself in literally the next scene and didn’t matter anyway) but whatever.

#247: Hermana Muerte (Sister Death) (2023)

Frankly pretty boring. Not very spooky at all, most everything is just nightmares that are obviously nightmares. The one somewhat innovative thing they did (events in flashbacks changing and having concurrent present-day effects) was not used in a remotely interesting way. I mean, I can think up more interesting movie ideas right now just sitting here – nightmares twisting reality, attempts at lucid dreaming, interactions between multiple people with the ability having conflicting dreams, etc etc, but here it appears to just be helping her “solve” the “mystery.” Avoid.

#246: Peninsula (2020)

Disappointing “sequel” to the interesting and innovating Train to Busan which has virtually nothing to do with the original. This is more of a zombie heist with – get this totally original idea – the survivors being worse than the zombies. Nothing new or particularly well done, although one good sequence where night-blind zombies are (deliberately) distracted by a flashing noisy radio controlled toy car. Lots of cars are lying around still in good shape and full of gas years after after the zombie apocalypse. All of my other favorite tropes too – magic electricity, imperiled kids (who do NOT act like kids growing up in a fricking apocalypse), one dude who can outfight an entire platoon of actual soldiers, etc.

Up Next: More Bad Movies! Naughty! Bad!!

MovieFest 2025: “Only a Silly Person Would Try to Start a Good Work with a Bad Tool”

She takes her movies very VERY seriously

Moving on from the ones that made me angry to the ones that just made me sad. Contrary to the popular aphorism, it’s much worse when I’m mad than when I’m disappointed.

#256: Venom: The Last Dance (2024)

I enjoyed the prior installments mostly for the special chemistry between Eddie and Venom and Hardy’s batshit-crazy commitment to the bit, but this one is completely off the rails. The main plot is a 10 year old’s demented scribbling, none of it makes any sense, and they pad it out with a bunch of garbage like Mrs Chen just so happening to be in Vegas and winning big because why not. And Venom conveniently forgets about the main plot when they want a fight scene. Randoms just walking around Area 51 – which should be substantially MORE secure given the situation posited by this movie – with no problem. No sense of continuity or interest at all. Very disappointing.

#255: Fountain of Youth (2025)

Stupid. The “rules” for the fountain are stupid and make no sense, the characters are stupid and never act like actual people, the very idea that there was a secret society (?) trying to stop people from finding the fountain was stupid (although Tucci getting his $$ for probably 3 hours of work was very smart). The whole set up was stupid? Why would a bunch of famous renessaince artists know about this and how to find clues and then leading other people to in the future to find them? How could ancient egytptians have built all these intricate traps? Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

#254: News From Home (1977)

Oh. My. Lord. The ultimate in “experimental film” that is really just navel gazing. Only this high on the list because the scenes of 1977 New York City are pretty interesting. But to say that nothing happens is a drastic exaggeration of the level of activity and plot in this “movie.” The director reads a series of letters her mother sent her while she was away in New York on top of various “daily life” scenes. I truly think that people say that this is good just because they want to seem deep and thoughtful. Similar to how people say they liked Peter Hujar’s Day. Suuuuure you did, buddy. Sure you did.

#253: Theatre of Blood (1973)

Pretty schlocky. Vincent hams it up pretty hard but ultimately there is really nothing to this beyond the basic premise of “jilted actor goes after the awards committee that denied his greatness.” I cannot believe that the movie reqlly thought it was going to surprise us with the obvious “reveal” that his main flunky was his daughter in a terrible, terrible disguise.

#252: Last Days (2025)

It’s possible that there is a good movie here – a good kid feeling lost is recruited into a cult to find purpose – but this movie isn’t it. Everything is taken at face value and just presented as fact with no further examination. And it’s filmed as some kind of thriller when it’s really a tragedy of a deranged man who thinks he knows better than anyone else meeting his expected end.

#251: The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim (2024)

Not an animation style that I appreciate, but the bigger problem was t hat the animation was more realistic than the ridiculous motivations and terrible war tactics. So many things happen just to happen, outside of any rational reason aside from something thinking “huh huh that would be coooollll.” Watched this during a rare break at Sundance, because that’s what we do when we take a break from watching movies – we watch more movies.

Up Next: More Badness!

MovieFest 2025: “Monsters Are Real, and Ghosts Are Real Too. They Live Inside Us, and Sometimes They Win”

I don’t know about you, but personally. Find this less creepy than the picture of Jack Nicholson smiling

So this is the same category as the prior one, but while I very much did not like these films, they didn’t offend my delicate sensibilities like the prior 5 did.

#261: Rush Hour 2 (2001)

The lessons that they learned from the first one were apparently to cut down on any kind of cultural sensitivity or understanding and that having any kind of decent script was optional at best. And what the hell kind of Jackie Chan movie has such limited practical effects? The above fight scene wasn’t bad, but it still relied on a bunch of bad homophobic “humor.”

Ok, so this one pissed me off a little bit too I guess.

#260: By Design (2025)

One of the cool things about Sundance is that you generally know extremely little about the movies you’re going to see. Well beyond not having seen a trailer, you generally know nothing behind one still image, director and star names, and 1-2 sentences of description. Sometimes this results in the joy of a Ghost Story or The Guest but then sometimes the movie about a person who becomes a chair which makes her much more popular turns out to be some sort of freakish art piece with no apparent point.

#259: V/H/S Halloween (2025)

I don’t know why I keep watching these. Some of the ideas sounded good here – developing a new soda that has the unfortunate side effect of demonic possession, for example – but the execution was bland and tacky at the same time. The one semi-interesting thing was the freakish candy thing shown above with Kirsten Schaal’s voice (presumably not, but it sure sounded like her), although even that actual segment was dull and uninventive aside from the thing.

#258: Peter Hujar’s Day (2025)

Sometimes what is sold as a film about two people talking about random bullshit is a film about two people talking about random bullshit. I guess some of the stories were interesting? Only this high due to residual affection for Ben Whishaw.

#257: Roma (2018)

Boring misery porn. I had to try three times to watch this as I kept falling asleep trying to get through it. Hard to understand why people thought this was good. Maybe the pretentious black and white cinemotography? I dunno why some people like it but it sure as heck wasn’t for me.

Up Next: Moving on to the next category!

Continue reading “MovieFest 2025: “Monsters Are Real, and Ghosts Are Real Too. They Live Inside Us, and Sometimes They Win””

MovieFest 2025: “Monsters Are Real, and Ghosts Are Real Too. They Live Inside Us, and Sometimes They Win”

What? He’s happy, he’s having a great time!

There were blessedly few truly terrible films in 2025. Well, films that I saw anyway, I’m sure there was a lot of crap out there as usual, but I fortunately didn’t see much of it – no Electric State or Snow White for your boy. And a lot of the truly terrible dreck I can blame other people (sometimes, but not always, Toby) for having seen. And that has to count for something, right? Right?

#266: War of the Worlds (2025)

I am reluctant to even call this **** a movie, as the majority is just Ice Cube making ridiculous reactions to his computer screen, Amazon sponcon (at one point an Amazon delivery driver has to use a drone to deliver an Amazon gift card to bribe a homeless person to….no. Just no.), and bad cell phone videos of other actors driving or running or screaming. And of course, dear merciful lord, the “plot.” The aliens want our precious data, see. We were such fools, storing all of our data in the same place and…..enough. Some team of imbeciles thought that this would be sufficient as an entertainment product, and I guess they got me because like a fool I watched it. Shame on us both.

#265: Y2K (2024)

The worst thing that I can say about this movie is that I had to really think about whether or not it was worse than War of the Worlds. Obviously meant to be tongue-in-cheek, this is instead a terrible cheap-ass shlockfest with ridiculous characters, no real plot, and no reason to exist. The one interesting character is killed 20 minutes into the thing and in a very stupid way to boot. Avoid.

#264: Star Trek: Section 31

Boring generic-ass movie gets a boring generic-ass picture.

Just terrible. Shame on all of them. I don’t care if Michelle Yeoh opted out of her contract for a series after winning the Oscar, she deserved better than this garbage, as did all of the rest of us. Not only is the bad guy obvious and the redemption arc overbearing, everything else is telegraphed from miles away too – gee, I wonder if the cyborg is going to have his systems hacked? I wonder who is behind the mysterious attacks – surely not the kid we saw at the beginning of the movie!

Oh and our hero has literally committed large-scale genocide, but it’s cool, she’s with us now.

Ugh.

#263: Omaha (2025)

Don’t worry, only 3 of the beings in this car will be left behind forever before the end of the movie!

Look, I am guessing that the writer/director of this movie had some pretty crappy things happen to them that led to writing this, but putting it all on screen is just abusive. This is just a mean-spirited movie. And not well made either – you really know where this is going all along, especially after he gives away Rex without even letting the kids say goodbye.

Ugh, now I’m upset that I even had to think about it again.

#262: Toni Erdmann (2016)

What in the holy ****ing hell was that crap???

An asshole comes barging into his (rightfully) estranged daughter’s life, refuses to butt out or go away, and ultimately causes a total breakdown, but I guess it’s played for laughs like she just needs to loosen up?

Also, it’s freaking 2 hours and 45 minutes long and nothing freaking happens for the vast majority of it, other than occasionally this asshole barges in and makes an idiot of himself while the movie pretends that people think he’s interesting or charming or god only knows what.

Normally when a movie receives critical acclaim and I don’t like it, I assume it’s just not on my wavelength or different cultural customs or something, but this garbage was on the NYT Top 100 of the quarter-century and I assume that placement was a convoluted prank of some kind or a cry for help or something because this suuuuuuuuuucks.

Up Next: Monsters Are Real…Part II