These movies actually were fine, but this graphic was too good not to use.

#245: No Exit (2022)

Better-than-usual Hulu original thriller, atmospheric and true to the title.

#244: Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994)

Great idea, meh execution. Leans too far into the woo-woo when they should’ve just gone for it and worried less about an explanation. Robert Englund provides an excellent performance as Robert Englund.

#243: Nomadland (2020)

Beautiful photography and I do love me some Frances McDormand. The film pulls off the rather difficult trick of portraying these people without leading us to pity them, instead demanding that we just take them on their own terms. Unfortunately, that also means that we never actually get any understanding about what makes any of the tick, or why they make the decision to live the way that they do. Ultimately seemed cold and distant, more of a documentary, and I never connected with the main character.

#242: Triple Frontier (2019)

In a sense, the opposite problem from Nomadland. This time we are given so much information and background, and there is just so much happening all the time, and all of it is just so deeply meaningful that despite good performances from all 5 of the main guys it’s just impossible to believe that any reaction would be genuine beyond just endless screaming and/or weeping. Needed to try to address fewer aspects of the human condition without giving the characters enough time to process what was happening.

#241: The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Ludicrous beyond imagining, from the “oh look, the poles reversed, weather is going to kill us all” nutso premise to the Dad hikes to and then through NYC to somehow find his son throughline. Humanity is over! We’re all dead or going to die, who cares about this one family? But undeniably fun in its insanity.

#240: Intolerance: Love’s Struggle Through the Ages (1916)

Damned impressive, from the mind-bogglingly immense sets to the startlingly humanistic through-line (there is no real plot) that preaches against racism, classism, and generally man’s inhumanity to man (and particularly to woman). This is about as moved as I could be by a silent movie that is over 100 years old.

#239: Lake Placid (1999)

Hee hee hee hee

#238: The Take (2016)

Idris does Idris things but otherwise a predictable Bad Cops vs Good Cops action thriller.

#237: Eden Lake (2008)

Revenge thriller that comes right up to the edge of exploring some interesting ideas about responsibility, bullying, regret, forgiveness, and at what point your actions are truly unforgivable…..then walks off without ever actually attempting an answer to any of them. Oh well.

#236: Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers (2022)

Really good jokes – Dale’s “3D upgrade,” Ugly Sonic, the Claymationing of J.K. Simmons, the use of all different types of glitchy animation – elevate a very basic and predictable plot.

#235: Valley Girl (1983)

Oh, I’m gonna get roasted for this one. It was cute, and SO MUCH better than the dreadful remake, but nothing special (other than the legendary soundtrack and the bitchin’ outfits). All the non-Cage performances were no better than fine and the plot could be written on a single page. This was no Clueless (or even Mean Girls), people.

#234: Frequency (2000)

Surprisingly touching! Nothing particularly original or surprising in the basic plot, but I really enjoyed the relationship-through-the-years aspect of the Magic Radio. Maybe Dad Stuff just gets to me now. I should go watch some old war documentary or something.

#233: Gone (2012)

Quality little thriller that undercuts itself a little by never really engaging with the idea that it might actually have all been in her head, making the cops unwillingness to believe otherwise seem truly evil.

#232: Run Sweetheart Run (2020)

I was really enjoying this a ton until the abusive psycho dude was revealed to be THE LITERAL DEVIL and there is a whole underground John-Wickian network devoted to stopping him, yadda yadda. Was much more powerful (and boy was I looking forward to the obvious revenge portion of the experience) when it was a story about how any random guy can just decide to make a woman’s life hell.

#231: Leon: The Professional (1994)

Interesting and not bad but also extremely weird watching 12-year-old Natalie Portman. Very close to a recommendation (obviously) but I couldn’t quite get there.

Up Next: Hey, I Kinda Liked That! Hooray, a new category!!

Would this sign be helpful? Would it ward off anyone?

Right, okay, sorry for the long delay. I AM going to finish this and it WILL be before 2024. I promise!

#260: The African Queen (1951)

Feels in every way and at all times exactly like one of those ’70s live-action Disney movies. The romantic comedy version of The Apple Dumpling Gang.

#259: Syrup (2013)

Based on a book I really liked by my favorite author (Max Berry), waiting a decade to see the movie took all of the edge off. Remember when all we had to worry about was manipulative capitalism? Man, those were the days. It did remind me how much I miss Amber Heard in stuff though, she was great in this.

#258: Kate (2021)

I demand better projects for Mary Elizabeth Winstead, dammit! Do you hear me, I DEMAND IT! This did kind of address the action movie trope of the always-hurt, never-disabled protagonist but not much original or compelling otherwise.

#257: The Bob’s Burgers Movie (2022)

I love me some Bob’s Burgers, but come on there is a cap on how good a movie that is really just a standard episode with a 90-minute run time can be.

#256: Amish Witches: The True Story of Holmes County (2016)

Better than I had any right to expect, given the name.

#255: Nightmare Alley (2021)

See earlier re: Guillermo del Toro. This had the advantage of having some great sets and props, but the story didn’t hit for me emotionally. Just didn’t buy it.

#254: Blow Out (1981)

I didn’t get it? Nothing to discuss here, it was fine, I just didn’t see the big deal about it or its outsized reputation. Movies from this time period are very hit or miss for me I think, depending a lot on how psychologically real they feel as opposed to using the characters to make more of an overarching point about society or corruption or whatever.

#253: The French Connection (1971)

I didn’t get it? Nothing to discuss here, it was fine, I just didn’t see the big deal about it or its outsized reputation. Movies from this time period are very hit or miss for me I think, depending a lot on how psychologically real they feel as opposed to using the characters to make more of an overarching point about society or corruption or whatever.

#252: Hot Fuzz (2007)

I feel like I owe Mr. Pegg an apology for not liking this more. Sorry man.

#251: Europa Report (2013)

Disproportionate time spent on the setup compared to the quality of the payoff. Cromulent sci-fi spacer.

#250: Nobody (2021)

By-the-numbers John Wick ripoff that wouldn’t have been notable if it hadn’t starred Bob Odenkirk. Of course, we all love Bob Odenkirk. So.

#249: Lou (2021)

Just barely enough more original than Nobody to overcome the difference between Allison Janney as the fun surprise badass vs Odenkirk.

#248: Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)

The law of diminishing returns wins yet again.

#247: World War Z (2013)

Movie has essentially nothing in common with the excellent book, but a compatently-made Tom Cruise action film is always welcome.

#246: 1BR (2019)

What a waste of potential. Still good enough to fit in the “it’s fine” rankings, this could’ve been great but sold out its better ideas in favor of nonsense and shocks for the sole purpose of being shocking. Disappointing.

Up Next: Perfectly Fine Vol. VI! Wait, where are you going? Come back! After that next one there will be films I actually recommend! You might have even heard of some of them!

Awwww, mannnnnn

#272: Death on the Nile (2022)

I have nothing original to say about this perfectly fine movie that has nothing original to say.

#271: The Black Phone (2021)

I like Joe Hill a lot and wanted to be excited by this, but it was honestly kind of jumbled. Not sure that the supernatural aspects really added anything and didn’t seem to hook into the story. Needed to be either more or less paranormal IMHO.

#270: 21 Bridges (2019)

Chadwick Boseman elevates what should’ve been a by-the-numbers corrupt cops action/drama to something highly watchable but the plot is still kind of bland. Perfect folding-laundry movie that you don’t have to pay close attention to.

#269: The Earrings of Madame de… (1953)

Treats some fairly obvious plot maneuvering with open-mouthed-gasp shocks and relied too much on outdated propriety for me. Maybe it was more scandalous in ’53, but felt rather overblown now.

#268: The Losers (2010)

Trying too hard by half. Nobody seems to be having fun, everyone is trying to be overly quirky, and we end up with something that is an easy enough watch but it’s pretty obvious why they never got green-lit for the sequel for which they were desperately hoping.

#267: Army of the Dead (2021)

Say what you will about Zach Snyder, but he can make a watchable, comprehensible action movie. They are very rarely more than that, but that’s a pretty high floor, all things considered.

#266: Troll! (2022)

Very cute. Incredibly stupid. But I say that with love.

#265: The Wretched (2019)

Sufficiently creepy but they peeled (ha!) back the curtain a bit too much and dragged into the minutia. Nothing more spooky than a long explanation!

#264: Night Hunter (2019)

Odd little movie hints at various interesting things then backs away from them. Brendan Fletcher is the only one given free reign to go full wacko and he plays it to the hilt – more of that would’ve been greatly appreciated.

#263: The Harder They Fall (2021)

A lot of pretty cool set pieces in service of a not-particularly interesting story.

#262: Thief (1981)

I should’ve liked this more. James Caan! Thoughtful bad guys ruing their lives of crime! But whether the fault is mine of the film’s it just didn’t move me. Enough here for a baseline appreciation at least but given the reviews and how much I normally like this sort of thing I suspect I just saw it on a low biorhythms day or something

#261: Evil Dead (2013)

If you remove Bruce Campbell and any sense of fun from the original, it turns out you still get a pretty scary movie! But still….why?

Up Next: More Perfectly Fine! But we’re getting there! I promise we’ll be done with this category….soonish?

We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thanks. How are you?

#283: Run (2022)

Nice to see Sarah Paulson as the fragile, messed-up, *bad guy* for once. Not much original in this perfectly cromulent entertainment product, though.

#282: Shane (1953)

Come back, Shane! Too true-blue heroic to be particularly interesting.

#281: Sicario: Day of the Soledado (2018)

Action-crazy shoot-em-up could’ve been a lot of more fun if it wasn’t trying to make all Spanish-speakers look than scum than must be repelled from our noble borders.

#280: The One (2001)

“How much more 90s could a movie be?” you ask.

“None,” I answer with a screaming guitar solo as I whip my sunglasses off my face while walking away from an exploding fireball.

#279: The Hunted (2013)

I guess this was supposed to be a deep psychological exploration of what war does to a person, but it was really a rote action / chase thriller that just kind of vaguely waved in the direction of that stuff.

#278: The Curse of La Llorona (2019)

What do you mean we have to make our movie interesting? There are kids in peril! And our monster jumps out at people and stuff!

#277: Wendell & Wild (2022)

Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how cool the animation style is if your story isn’t very interesting. Disappointing that Key & Peele weren’t given more to do.

#276: Prisoners (2013)

Trying too hard to be interesting, with theoretically good people doing definitely bad things and two-three twists too many. Too much going on to focus on any one potentially interesting idea, this is definitely worse than the sum of its parts.

#275: Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

Too much set-up, not enough payoff. Doesn’t help that the vastly superior Veronica covered much of the same ground recently.

#274: Flawless (2007)

Cute but forgettable heist movie. The 50s version of Demi Moore sure had style though.

#273: Chronos (1993)

As mentioned, I don’t really get Guillermo del Toro. His films always sound great in the explanation but they never really pull together for me.

Up Next: Still more Just Fine Movies! Try to contain your excitement!

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I dunno, doesn’t this scale look….off…somehow?

#299: The Other Woman (2014)

Forgettable fun that feels gross when you start thinking about it – like, you don’t get to be all “Girl Pwrrrr!” when you’re also clearly objectifying the women.

#298: Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Interesting start quickly turns into a rote triple-cross scenario surrounding the poor normie family that is just trying to get through their day. Ghosts are not nearly as interesting or scary as the film seems to believe. It was amusing the see Matthew Lillard playing the calm normal voice of reason, though.

#297: Duck Soup (1933)

Marx Brothers movies are essentially elongated sketch comedy routines. They’re fine and fairly funny, but I just don’t get the love.

#296: King of Thieves (2018)

Bankrobbers…but old! Maybe I’ve just seen too many of this type of movie. Michael Caine makes this eminently watchable but nothing more.

#295: American Murder: The Family Next Door (2020)

Compelling story but also, these are real people right? I always feel kind of queasy about True Crime ™, and the fact that this dude murdered his frickin’ kids because he wanted to leave his wife anymore….oof.

#294: The Deep House (2021)

Nicely creepy atmosphere, but no real plot beyond the big conceit / entire reason for the film of “what about a haunted house….but underwater?”

#293: Polar (2019)

Replacement-level John Wick knockoff. Overshot on how kooky to make the bad guys.

#292: Splinter (2008)

Cute idea, too bad they couldn’t think of anything original to do with it.

#291: WolfCop (2014)

Sorry MovieClub, this was a fun one but I just couldn’t put it any higher than this.

#290: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)

Not much happens and I didn’t find the vibes particularly cool or compelling. It occurs to me now that putting this here right before leaving for Sundance is potentially not the best omen, but Mr. Redford will be appearing again substantially higher up – is that enough to save the trip?

#289: Takers (2010)

The least amount of cool that a movie featuring Idris Elba can have. (So, still pretty cool)

#288: Dark Places (2015)

Unable to reach its potential by hampering its characters with dispassionate demeanors and overhyped not-very-interesting backstories.

#287: Fractured (2019)

Decent diversion but if you’re going to have a “mystery” movie, it’s best to not have the solution to the mystery be too obvious.

#286: Contraband (2012)

Wahlberg has to make one of these kinds of movies every 2 years or else the leprechaun’s curse takes effect.

#285: The Haunting (1963)

The fundamental problem with any filmed version of The Haunting of Hill House is that the movie cannot match the mental images you generate from reading the book, which sets up the scares as much more psychological than spookums ghosties.

#284: Rising Sun (1993)

All of the assets and deficits of a typical Crichton production.

Up Next: Ha, we’re maybe halfway through this category now!

Sure is, boss!

This big ol’ group of movies are all fine. They’re fine! Really! “Oh, you saw that? What did you think?” Like that. Fine!

There isn’t a lot to say about a film that you think is fine and we have 313 more to get through so let’s see how we can do today.

#313: Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)

It was good for what it was but hagiographies generally are not my thing.

#312: Downton Abbey: A New Era (2022)

I believe I’m on record as quite liking the show but this was entirely unnecessary.

311: Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)

Apparently this was the first film with a plot or some such? Bravo! Thanks for that!

#310: Funny Girl (1968)

The on-stage stuff was great, the off-stage stuff was depressing in a way that wasn’t very interesting. We will be seeing Ms. Streisand again, much much later in this list.

#309: Antlers (2021)

Great cast (Jesse Plemons! Keri Russell!) can’t elevate this weird-but-not-weird enough to be truly interesting number. You get one guess about whether the kid shown about is….troubled.

#308: Le Samouri (1967)

It turns out that if your goal is to show that the everyday life of even a professional assassin is mostly mundane, you can end up with a mostly mundane movie.

#307: Clean (2021)

Movies like this where you’ve effectively seen them before and don’t have to think are perfect for folding laundry, doing the dishes, and suchlike.

#306: Dead Silence (2007)

Yes, the puppets are evil.

#305: Bill and Ted Face the Music (2020)

A narrative duplicate of the original, but it was really nice to see these guys again.

#304: Escaping the Madhouse: The Nelly Bly Story (2019)

On the one hand, this could’ve been more interesting if it wasn’t a Lifetime Original, but on the other hand boffo to them for getting a good story and Christina Ricci for a Lifetime Original.

#303: Innocence (2013)

Appropriately gonzo Kelly Reilly performance but overall too predictable.

#302: Night Teeth (2021)

Replacement-level vampire movie.

#301: Carnival of Souls (1962)

Whoever would’ve expected that she was dead the whole time! Bonus credit though for the wildest “car swerves dangerously off the road” sequence imaginable.

#300: The House on Haunted Hill (1999)

Legendarily ’90s cast is fun, and there are a few interesting twists. Ending is prettttttty bad though.

Up Next: Oh There Are So Many More Movies in This Category

awwwww, how sweet!

#320: The Devil’s Backbone (2001)

I want to be into Guillermo del Toro’s stuff, I really *should* be into it, but it just never really clicks for me.

#319: Dog Day Afternoon (1975)

I don’t even know why I didn’t care for this – the performances were good, the themes are ones that I normally find engaging….maybe I was just having a bad day? Will have to rewatch it in a few years to see if my feelings change.

#318: La Passion de Jeanne d’Arc (1928)

At least I can explain myself this time – like Vampyr, this is just an old, old film and while I appreciate the advances demonstrated therein both technologically and thematically, it’s still way behind what I would think of as modern, engaging cinema.

#317: Sisters (1972)

Started off looking like it would be an interesting psychological mystery but turned into a mass of mixed up 70s-nonsense debunked psychodrama garbage that really ripped me out of the movie.

#316: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

Look, I know this has a ton of great lines, but neither Vince Vaughn nor Christine Taylor* ever really work for me, and I thought that this was some of Ben Stiller’s most inconsistent work.** And while some of the jokes were all-time classics, some of them were mean-spirited garbage. I would’ve preferred just seeing a 5-minute highlight reel.

* She always comes off as kind of alien and artificial to me – which made her absolutely perfect as Marcia Brady, since that part/movie was all about being stilted and weird in that 70s TV way. I also thought that her character was the weakest thing about Zoolander, although that is more the script having her as a generic “love interest” afterthought than her performance.

** And boy is that saying something. I actually tend to prefer his less outrageous performances (eg Royal Tenenbaums, the surprisingly sweet Night at the Museum movies).

#315: 8 1/2 (1963)

And here, you thought I was an asshole for not liking *Dodgeball*! This felt overly serious and entirely too self centered – an indulgent narcissist looks over his life and finds it dissatisfying, both personally and professionally. Other people exist to give him praise/love/entertainment and frankly they didn’t do any of it well enough for his standards. Yes, yes, a masterpiece of cinema etc etc etc. Not interested.

#314: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

On the off chance that I haven’t enraged you yet, let me now insult the Father of Modern Horror Films. While there are some decent scares and this movie virtually created an entire genre of film that I love, it’s not that good of an actual movie? Seriously, how long has it been since you watched this thing? It’s bloated, the characters (generally other than our hero) are either morons and/or monsters, and far too much has been read into leatherface that isn’t actually present on the screen.

Up Next: Perfectly Fine!

Obviously, it is *you* that is confused

This is my mea culpa category – I cannot identify anything particularly wrong with these, and in many cases they are beloved classics, but they just didn’t connect with me for one reason or another. I left feeling like I should’ve enjoyed or appreciated them more, but naw.

#327: Bringing Out the Dead (1999)

A drug-addled crazy Nic Cage performance would normally be my jam, but this left me flat. Too crazy to be meant to be taken seriously but not crazy enough to be satire or parody and no moral that I could detect. I guess madness just for the sake of madness doesn’t do it for me anymore.

#326: Journey to Italy (1954)

Miserable unsympathetic people take trip, argue, see sights, become temporarily reminded of what they saw in each other upon being placed in apparent mortal danger and foolishly decide to stay together. One of them is going to kill the other within two years following the end of this film.

#325: Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

Sometimes the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is just insufferable. (And lets not mention the incredibly racist Mickey Rooney performance.)

#324: The Seventh Seal (1957)

I feel like Death should be more interesting than this? And way too much time with the circus (?) performers and their various squabbles. I dunno, I know this is a classic, and I tried to get into it, but it felt like I was being assigned homework to go read up on the movie’s themes and influences.

#323: Cheap Thrills (2013)

Thinks it’s at least 10 times more transgressive than it is.

#322: Vampyr (1932)

Would’ve presumably blown my mind at the time, but vampire movies have advanced a lot since 1932. An interesting historical document but not engaging to my modern sensibilities.

#321: Night of the Living Dead (1968)

See above. A landmark of modern horror that I appreciate for what it led to but as a movie experience itself it’s rather slow and, while the ending is chilling, not all that suspenseful. And it doesn’t really get into the more interesting themes that are developed in the near-infinite sequels.

Up Next: Not For Me (Part II)

Didn’t I already tell you to subscribe? I could’ve sworn I did.

The bowl was like that when I got here

#334: Her Smell (2018)

Rather unpleasant! With no deeper underlying truths beyond “sometimes artists are unstable people” to salvage it. I wonder why Elizabeth Moss was interested in doing this movie.

#333: High Noon (1952)

Ok, ewwwwww. I could not get past the 28-year age difference between the leads. Additionally, I had seen many other westerns in ’22 before this one so while it was narratively innovative in a historical sense, it was also the 8th time I watched this plot. Pass.

#332: The Incredible Hulk (2008)

The poor reputation checks out here. Just a mess of nonsense and stupid decisions driven only by a not-thought-out script and not character choices that would make any sense. Amazingly, the She-Hulk miniseries somehow redeemed The Abomination, which was wasted here.

#331: The Cursed (2021)

Tries to straddle the line between supernatural and historical fiction and actual witches vs excuses for aggressive othering persecution, and trying to be all things to all people results in not making anyone happy. Trailer looked great, cinematography was excellent, plot was blah.

#330: Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

At around 90 minutes in I was getting pretty aggravated that they dared to waste SO MUCH of my time with this. Then there were some flash-bang action sequences and Cameron totally Titanic’d up the whole thing and it was kind of bitchin’ for a bit. The setting and graphics were cool, as you would expect, although a surprising number of times I thought someone had stood up in the theater only to realize it was a foreground character on the screen. Teenager Sigourney Weaver was cool, although that character’s godlike savior thing is only going to become more annoying as these go on. Overall not worth the time commitment.

#329: The Keep (1983)

Classic 80s sci-fi nonsense with “good” Nazis and “bad” Nazis and just….yeah, no. Some interesting plot stuff and quasi-religious themes that actually nod toward complicated philosophy and the such raise this over the depths but still.

#328: After Midnight (2019)

Kind of intriguing and I wanted to like it, but ultimately just not interesting enough that I cared about what was happening. Also, the fact of this being a movie tipped off the “is there a monster or is he just insane” calculus because if there was no monster this just was not going to be nearly interesting enough.

Up Next: Not For Me

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Nobody will notice, right?

Herein be the movies that weren’t bad per se but something was off enough about them that I would not only not recommend them but if asked would suggest something else. If the movie isn’t good enough to make it to the “this is fine” category then you should have better options.

#340: Amsterdam (2022)

Proof that a great cast and even a decent general story outline do not guarantee a good movie. It felt like the entire movie was “oh, hey, now look over here at *this* new crazy character tic!” without actually delving deeply into the characters or the plot. It’s like the script/director was too busy stuffing quirks into the characters and didn’t leave any room for them to expand into feeling like actual people.

#339: Dark Waters (1993)

Tries to be moody and atmospheric while also telling a spookums mystery/morality tale. But it would’ve been much better off just focusing on the moody and atmospheric and leaving the obvious and, frankly, boring and predictable “mystery” out of it entirely.

#338: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

Frankly offensive to me personally that they would adapt this masterpiece of modern literature* and somehow completely miss the humor, tone, and style.

*Yes, I mean that earnestly – come at me bro!

#337: West Side Story (2021)

A completely faithful remake of the original. Raising the question: why? Who was this for? Why not just rewatch the original?

#336: Wedding Crashers (2005)

We’re supposed to be rooting for these creeps? Also, the main conceit – that these guys are so good at what they do that they become the total life of the party and everyone loves them – just totally grated on me; do the brides and grooms not have any actual friends? Lifted out of the abyss by a few truly LOL moments and a go-for-it nuts performance by Bradley Cooper but overall I wanted these two to get their comeuppance more than anything else.

#335: Let Us Prey (2014)

Could’ve been a tense thriller but they decided to go with “crazy religious badassery” instead and it was the wrong call. Stuff happens that is just on the wrong side of being interesting – honestly, with not that many tweaks this could’ve been really interesting but instead it’s a weird “people are all terrible, aren’t they” story with a tacked-on avenging angel prequel setup. I suspect that they just came up with the “witty” title and stopping working at that point.

Up Next: Flawed Part II

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