Really? It says that? Huh.

#184: Birth/Rebirth (2023)

Yet another “scientific” zombie movie. Never gets beyond the standard “why are you playing god” questions into something actually interesting that hasn’t already been done a bunch. Acting was pretty decent, which moves it up the list a little.

#183: The Pod Generation (2023)

Yikes, that’s now 6 Sundance ’23 movies to be in the bottom dregs, but that’s the joy of going to the festival with absolutely no advance knowledge about what the films will be until you’re sitting in the theater. Sometimes you get A Ghost Story or The Guest, sometimes you get Infinity Pool or The Entertainer (or, god help us, The Nightingale), and a bunch of the time you get good-hearted mediocrities like this sci-fi misfire. Solid world-building, fantastic set design, muddled plot and way-too-predictable resolution.

#182: Prince of Darkness (1987)

Not Mr. Carpenter’s best work. This is basic schlock, elevated ever so slightly by his usual sense of fun and a classic Carpenter score. Yes, that is Alice Cooper as “Street Schizo.”

#181: The Nun 2 (2023)

And here you thought the first one was pointless….

#180: Renfield (2023)

This could have been such fun, and you can still kind of see the bones of a good movie, but apparently they were so enamored with the basic idea of “See, Renfield and Dracula are basically in a classic codependent relationship!” that all they could do was keep on smashing you over the head with that instead of building on it or doing, like, anything else. Add on a standard climactic battle for….reasons….and we’re done. Such a disappointment.

#179: The Long Goodbye (1973)

Just way too 70s for me in all the wrong ways. Plot felt sloppy, lots of random stuff thrown in to pad out the movie, bad guys who are bad because they’re bad instead of for any believable reason. Apologies to Mr. Gould.*

* Mandatory:

#178: The Last Days on Mars (2013)

What if zombies…..in space?!?!?!?!?????

Up Next: The Long-Awaited End of This Category!

Ooooh, that’s going to leave a mark

#191: Lake Mungo (2008)

Yet another unsuccessful mockumentary-style creepy horror offering. Was the success of the great Blair Witch Project worth all of these failed offspring? Discuss amongst yourselves.

#190: Vikingulven (2022)

Yeah, that’s about the level of movie we’re talking about here. Also, notice the wolf’s heterochromatic eyes? That’s an important plot point. You’ll NEVER GUESS* who the werewolf is.

* You’ll guess within 2 minutes of the movie beginning.

#189: There Is Someone Inside Your House (2021)

On the other hand, you might not guess who the killer is in this one because it’s so boring that you’ll check out and start playing Civ VI or something. The Deep Dark Secret of our heroine (don’t worry it turns out to be completely unrelated to anything else) is pretty obvious though.

#188: The Pyramid (2014)

The theme in this section is that I’m so desperate for action/horror/mystery movies that I end up watching a lot of dreck. This one is yet another found footage too. Yeesh.

#187: Vanishing on 7th Street (2010)

Shadow monsters and electricity that magically keeps working even though most of the world is dead (a personal pet peeve). Fine, I guess, but it never really made sense so it wasn’t really scary or suspenseful.

#186: Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Why?

#185: So Undercover (2012)

“A tough, street-smart private eye”…..yeah, no. Not sure what Miley’s range is, but it does not include that. Points for the movie at least knowing what it is and what it’s all about and trying to lean into that, but yeesh.

Up Next: More of the Same!

I’m mildly irked as heck, and I’m not going to take it for too much longer

Better than bad, worse than good, just below “fundamentally competent.”

Have to start cranking through some of these or I won’t finish before the year is out….

#198: King Coal (2023)

Documentary that tries to add a plot to a general meditation and ends up missing the mark on both. Evidenced most noticeably by the somewhat interesting “funeral,” but as you watch you realize that it’s not clear if the funeral is being staged for coal as a fuel source or for “coal country” or for a way of life or what. Also, who/what does the girl represent? Anyone?

#197: Winter Kills (1979)

When you decide to make a political intrigue thriller without thinking through the intrigue. Doesn’t make sense, kind of boring.

#196: Landscape With Invisible Hand (2023)

Like…..what? I have no idea what they were trying to do with this.

#195: Showgirls (1995)

Sometimes a notorious flop is just bad. Not everything needs to be reevaluated.

#194: Deliver Us From Evil (2014)

I suspect that the story behind this thoroughly uninspired movie would be better than the film itself. I’m a sucker for a good (emphasis on good) exorcist-style movie but this felt like everyone was just going through the motions. Unclear how much fault is bad writing vs bad acting vs bad directing, but the end product is blah.

#193: Tropical Malady (2004)

I have to assume that this is just something about me here and not the movie itself, as it was tied for #95* in the 2002 Sight and Sound list, but this did nothing for me at all and I have to be true to my own impressions and feelings or what is the damn point right? If there was a connection between the two halves of the film I missed it. The men’s relationship in the first half is nice but…nothing happens? I dunno man.

* Definitely not my least favorite 95th-ranked Sight and Sound movie though, as that is also where The General came in.

#192: Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023)

Boy do I feel bad about putting this dreck above Tropical Malady though. Yikes. Not that this is inherently high concept or something but the other evil-animatronic-pizza-band-animals movie that I saw last year was much, much better (as we shall see).

Up Next: I Have Witnessed Nothing But Profound Mediocrity (Part II)

Always look first before stepping onto elevator.

#203: Would You Rather (2012)

Stultifyingly unoriginal tale of the ultra-rich making the needy dance for their entertainment. Nothing interesting to say here, and nothing scary or even particularly nerve-jangling no matter how much they want it to be otherwise.

#202: Never Too Young To Die (1986)

STAMOS! There was some fun stuff in this one, but the combination of barely-professional production and whatever the hell it was that was going on with Gene Simmons’ character* left me pretty cold. Also, not enough Stamos gymnastics. Great hair though.

* I guess I’m not sure that they were being disrespectful or whatever, but they weren’t exactly treating the character’s identity with the sensitivity that would be required by a 2023 mindset, let’s just leave it at that. And don’t get me started on the geeky Asian friend / genius.

#201: The Exorcist: Believer (2023)

Sigh.

The real shame is that the first half was pretty decent and they had all the bones in place for a plot that was at least interesting, they just totally ignored it in favor of “band all faiths together” garbage nonsense and the most obvious heel turn ever filmed. And then they thought it would be a good idea to murder* poor Ellen Burstyn for kicks.

So much that could’ve been done here with very malleable source material, and this is all that they could come up with? Sad.

* I don’t care that they showed her in the hospital later, there is simply no way that the 80-something character survived what was shown.

#200: Arctic Void (2022)

The basic plot outline makes this sound pretty cool, but do not be fooled. In what is becoming a theme for this group of films, someone came up with an somewhat interesting idea and then completely failed to follow through. The big mystery turns out to be exactly what we all initially suspected, which is also the least interesting answer. And these sad sacks are so not worth caring about that when what is clearly going to happen to them ultimately happens, it’s barely worth a shrug.

#199: Zombeavers (2014)

Credit where due, this is exactly what it says on the package. There are beavers, and those beavers are zombies. The movie never really gets beyond that, though, and we’re stuck with what is essentially a mash-up of an 80s teen raunch comedy and a 80s silly/gory F/X slasher. Maybe this would’ve made a good short – that’s the level of thought than went into this, anyway.

Up Next: I’ve Witnessed Nothing But Profound Mediocrity

Sometimes, things just don’t work

#208: Insidious: The Red Door (2023)

It’s baffling to me how often filmmakers / studios completely fail to understand what made a movie work when making the sequel. The original Insidious was full of atmospheric dread and this one….well, blah. Jump scares, boring characters…..there is a door, which I guess is a metaphor, but also an actual door and….yeah, pass.

#207: The Mummy (2017)

What a mess. Tom tries his best but nothing about this thing works at all. I don’t even remember this having a good Cruise running scene. Not sure if it would’ve been better or worse if they had leaned further into the whole “MonsterVerse” thing – Russell Crowe was having fun at least.

Not the worst film featuring Sofia Boutella that I’ve seen recently….

#206: Le Mepris (1963)

Maybe I’m just a heathen, but this Godard did nothing for me whatsoever. I don’t need characters to be likeable to enjoy a movie but couples who hate each other without being interesting about it just really grate on me (contrast, for example, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe, where the hatred is much stronger and MUCH more interesting – you can believe that despite it all they would still be together). This just felt like a bunch of whining, periodically interrupted with ponderous musings about the nature of film and art and gratuitous Bardot nudity.

#205: The Sacrament (2013)

So close to a documentary of Jonestown that you have to wonder why Ti West bothered making this (barely) fictional version, and what (if any) point he thought he was making. I wanted to think that this slipshod trifle was made before West knew what he was doing, but no the excellent House of the Devil was years earlier. I guess this was just a misfire.

#204: Incarnate (2016)

You know how I like it when things try even if they don’t work, and especially when they’re unexpectedly better than they had to be? This is what happens when a film *doesn’t* try. At all. Yeesh.

Up Next: Not great, Bob (Part III)

Lots of quality conversations going on in that elevator

It’s actually kind of disappointing that most of what I saw this year was good, in that I think I do some of my best writing on stuff that I hate. The films in this group were definitely not quality theatrical experiences, but it’s not like their creators need to be thrown into the pit. Mostly this group was just unoriginal and kind of blah.

In other words, I’m not angry…..just disappointed.

#213: Errementari (2017)

I’m always on the search for new horror movies (I really need to get that Shudder subscription) and this got some good play on various lists of streaming horror and….well. I’m not sure what substances those people were taking but this was a well-below-replacement-level fantasy / morality play that was not scary for a single second. Does the devil shown above with his pitchfork look like this is a horror movie? I do think that this is the first movie I’ve seen in the Basque language, so there’s that.

#212: The Wicker Man (2006)

All I had heard about this movie for years (aside from it generally not being good – which was spot on!) was the NOT THE BEES scene. So I’m watching this dreck plod along and I figure, ok, well at least I’ll eventually get to NOT THE BEES. And then that shit wasn’t even in the movie??? It was a DVD-extra deleted scene???? What the….this is BULLSHIT man!!! BULLSHIT!!!!!

#211: Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

For a sequel that was so rushed that it literally was released in the same year as the original, they really should not have tried to stuff that much (nonsensical, obviously) plot in it. We need to save the Youth Center (seriously), so let’s raise a lot of money by having a big show funded by donations apparently that will clearly become a huge public event and force the evil real estate developer to ditch his nefarious plans for….reasons. Somehow, this needed less plot and more dancing. Truly love that one dude’s band uniform though.

#210: Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls (2023)

I really wanted to like this – partially from a genre perspective and partially from leftover good feelings toward Olivia Taylor Dudley from The Magicians. But my well-wishes were doomed to fade as the annoying main character just got more and more annoying and the plot never evolved past Screenwriting 101.

#209: House of Darkness (2022)

Okay, this one is on me. Justin Long was so good in Barbarian so I thought I’d give this a chance. And he was…..fine I guess? But nothing original is going on here and it’s generally pretty boring.

Up Next: Not Great, Bob (Part II)!

The spiritual successor to the timeless classic Everybody Poops

Thanks be to Pazuzu, there was nothing that I saw this year that felt like a direct assault on me personally (cf The Nightingale, Rise of Skywalker, Escape from Tomorrow). But these movies still managed to offend my delicate sensibilities.

Let the countdown commence!

218: The Snowman (2017)

What. A. Mess. Offensive due to its complete lack of filmmaking ability. I’ve seen student films that made more (any) sense, that were shot better, that had more understandable plots, and that had better acting. And they dubbed Val Kilmer…..badly. I understand that they ran out of money and ended up only shooting like half the script, but releasing this dreck under those circumstances should be punishable by flogging.

And yet, this probably stopped being the Worst MovieClub Film a week into 2024. <sigh>

217: Infinity Pool (2023)

I think I take greater offense when something pretends to be deep and meaningful but is actually just self-serious dreck than when something is just bad in the first place. In a way it’s impressive that The Snowman could be so incompetent as to beat this out for last place. No movie infuriated me as much as this while watching it. The purposeless “hedonism is so unfulfilling” sex scenes paled next to the tight closeup on Fassbender’s presumed stunt penis. This confirmed everything that I feared about Brandon Cronenberg after Possessor.

216: Return of the Living Dead (1985)

I have no idea why this has a good reputation. Not fun at all, terrible acting, more plot holes than actual plot – I guess some of the F/X were decent gross outs by 1985 standards? That one woman kept taking her clothes off for no reason, that’ll always goose the VCR rental numbers. Overall verdict: boring.

215: Can’t Stop the Music (1980)

They would just make a movie about anything back in the day wouldn’t they? This isn’t really even about the Village People per se, it just “stars” them. I think they even trusted three of them enough to actually get lines, with Felipe “Village People: Indian” far outpacing his cohorts. Bad songs, bad story, bad bad bad.

214: The Last Exorcism II (2013)

I really liked 2010’s The Last Exorcism, but this slapdash sequel (written by Damien Chazelle a year before the terrific Whiplash) has absolutely nothing original or interesting in it. Ashley Bell, terrific as the naïve young possessed girl in the original, makes the case that she can’t act at all in a performance that would’ve been right at home in Can’t Stop the Music. Jennifer Garner is uninteresting, which I would’ve thought to be impossible. At every junction, the most easily foreseeable thing happens. Just thinking about this movie makes me sad.

Next Up: More Badness! Hooray!

Ric knows where it’s at

Okay! It feels like I just finally stopped the ol’ 2022 MovieFest, but it’s time to be back at it! My initial count has a relatively paltry 218 films that I saw for the first time in 2023. Will the first two movies I saw in the year end up being my favorite and least-favorite? Only time will tell!

This is more of an official warning for you all to prepare to witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battlestation. The computers are still tabulating the results and resetting the algorithms and processing the….processes….. But soon – perhaps too soon? – there will be official results in this here space. How will you know when? By signing up here of course!

Or, you know, don’t. I’m not the boss of you.

As a little amuse bouche here are my Top 10 Seasons of TV that I watched in 2023:

10: Justified: City Primeval

A new season of Justified! Don’t need any more reason than that.

9: Scott Pilgrim Takes Off

So relieved this was a new take with the same spirit.

8: Poker Face

Like most of America, I didn’t realize how much I had been craving a mystery-of-the-week show.

7: Ted Lasso (s3)

Exactly what I (we) needed when I (we) needed it.

6: Silo

An exciting original sci-fi concept (yes yes adopted from books, you know what I mean).

5: The Exorcist (s1)

Great execution of a solid idea with a fabulous cast. How had I never heard of this before?

4: Secret Invasion

Ha ha, no.

4: Barry (s4)

Holy crap man, that sure got dark.

3: Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (s2)

Musical Episode!

2: The Bear (s2)

Brilliant, and would easily be #1 in almost any other year. ”Forks” was clearly the single best episode of TV this season. 

1: Mrs. Davis

A contender for best season of TV I’ve ever seen (The Wire s3, Lost s1, Justified s2, Buffy s2-3, Breaking Bad s4). If you know you know. If somehow anyone reading this hasn’t watched this yet, what are you even doing with your life.

Up Next: The Real Countdown Begins!

Wow, we made it huh? Let’s never ever do that again. (He said, knowing that he’s already at 100 movies for 2023)

#2: Paper Moon (1973)

So I guess I love Ryan O’Neal, huh? I guess I need to finally watch Love Story?

It’s hard to think of three roles more different than Howard Bannister, Barry Lyndon, and “Moses Pray” (I am more likely to believe that he’s forgotten his real name than that is actually it). O’Neal just disappears into each one – none are showy performances, but each is vital to the movie.

Of course, the real key performance here is Tatum. In what is arguably the best child performance in the history of forever, she delivers a complicated character who is believably young but also crafty – not in a devious, conniving way, but….well, Addie knows that life is hard, dammit. And she has literally nobody. But while most stories of this type either get maudlin or turn the kid into someone trying to be tough (but with a soft gooey center), Addie is just trying to get along and get through, and can still experience joy and some wonder, but she knows her options are bad and losing Moses would be worse. So she just goes about the business of proving her worth to him, and when something (or someone) comes along that might get in the way of that, she will just do what has to be done (I mean, within limits, she’s not an assassin).

Ultimately, this is a character study of two very interesting characters, played to riveting performance. It’s set in the depression and shot in black and white, but that’s just details. I could watch these people in anything.

#1: The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)

Just because you’re a psychopath doesn’t mean that you have to be mean about it.

There is so much to love here. Everyone and everything looks perfect. As Claire put it, nobody has ever looked better than these people looked in this movie. Jude Law is incredible a compelling jerk that might have the potential to grow out of it, Gwyneth is a believable dream girl (without being a manic pixie), and Matt Damon has never been better playing a character that in a way isn’t really there. We never really learn anything about Tom Ripley because he is always trying on different personas, trying one that fits. He is so close to being caught, but between developing skills at deception (always admit it when you’re caught in a lie, but redirect where possible into a different lie) and a kind of innate charisma, he can insinuate himself into almost anything and everyone (okay, almost everyone) just feels like he belongs.

What does he even want? Well, he wants to be Dickie, of course. But why? We never really know, and I don’t think Tom knows either. The money and luxurious lifestyle is certainly nice, but I don’t think that’s it. And part of the joy of this film is watching him try to figure that out internally while also seeing him develop his skills. Meanwhile, he get tense whenever the jig looks like it might be up – we’re rooting for this guy, who starts out as just a downtrodden schmuck with a little piano talent who works his way into Dickie’s crowd on a lazy European extended vacation. And while we root for him, he gradually does worse and worse things until finally we realize that we’re rooting for the villain.

Fine fine fine, I guess I can’t delay this any longer….

#4: Barry Lyndon (1975)

People suuuuuuuuuuck. Such is the message of Kubrick’s masterpiece, and it’s difficult to argue with him (due both to this movie and….you know…. <gestures at everything>). Barry stumbles and bumbles upward, and when given the opportunity he ruthlessly, and with nary a second’s regard for a single other person, exploits things to his advantage…as long as doing so doesn’t make him have to actually try too hard.

It’s difficult to express just what a terrible person this is. He will betray, abandon, neglect, and manipulate anyone and any situation if a natural way to do so occurs to him. But he’s not smart or canny or even a hard worker – he acts this way because circumstance presents itself to him in a way that acting like a cad could find him in a better position. There is nothing to admire or even grudgingly respect here.

Which makes it even more pathetic when he ultimately loses everything – there is no sence of comeuppance, no satisfaction in seeing a scoundrel laid low, just a fool whose luck has finally run out.

Every aspect of this film was clearly thoroughly detailed and lovingly shot. Possibly not until The Witch (or at least various Merchant Ivory features) would comparable attention be paid to period attire and settings. The cinematography is rightly held in high regard, and the narrator is dryly hysterical. Curiously, I had never really been a big Ryan O’Neal fan before, but this is his second appearance in the top 7 films of this year….and it will not be his last.

#3: Three Days of the Condor (1975)

[SPOILER WARNING: Look, this is a 48 year old film ok, but geez if you haven’t seen it yet you really owe it to yourself to go in as cold as possible ok?]

A low-level CIA analyst goes out to grab some lunch one day. When he comes back, everyone else in his covert office has been assassinated. Thus begins the cat-and-mouse game of trying to figure out who, how, and why? A taut, thrilling chase ensues.

And while that’s all true, it’s hardly the point of course. Trust no one. Motivations are never what they seem. You will never be able to see the whole picture. Good guys may help you and then turn you in. The man who has been chasing you the entire time may be reassigned to take out a different threat and then decide that you just aren’t big enough to worry about.

And even when you turn over proof – actual proof! – to the New York Times….well, they’re not going to print it now, are they?

Just an incredible ending of the best of the 70s post-Watergate thrillers. Redford is incredible – so compelling and utterly believable as a guy who is more a professor than an agent who is thrust into incredible circumstances that he never expected, but is smart and canny enough to think his way through them.

Up Next: Does This 2022 List Finally End???